Storm in My Tea Cup

hello again

2012-02-23T18:30:00.000-08:00

I never thought I would be one of those bloggers who just falls off the map. I hate finding a good blog, following it for months and then unexpectedly one day the blogger just ups and stops blogging! I follow a lot of infertility blogs, so it's particularly discouraging when a blogger stops writing because they are busy with raising their kids. All that time waiting alongside them, watching their struggle to conceive and carry a baby and then they success and the story ends--at least on the interwebs. I always wonder, how can they just stop like that? I guess for me, writing that is so important and therapeutic that the thought of not writing just doesn't make sense. And I think that no matter what happens in life, I will always make time to write about it if for no one else but myself. But then real life hits and bam! There just aren't enough hours in the day. So here I am...doing the same shit myself. It's sad because I've lived a lot of life since my last blog post.

I swear, I did have a post typed up on Friday but didn't get around to making the final edits and posting it up there. Since it was mainly about what I was going to do that weekend and the weekend has already past, I just don't see the point of posting it.

So anyway...here's a little synopsis of the last week or so...

I had a great lunch with a good friend while in Tacoma for Mike's promotion two weekends back. The positivity and easy flowing conversation she and I had that day is carrying me through a lot of the rough days that ensued after our visit. Janelle really is one-of-a-kind and her friendship reminds me that there are good people in our corner, fighting this good fight alongside us even when we don't realize it.

After coming home from the trip to Tacoma, things have been a whirlwind. Getting back into the groove at home and work and trying to keep the messes from overflowing. I was able to get some good runs on the treadmill last week, but once this past weekend approached it kind of went downhill. I have been consumed with Post activities.

On Friday evening, I dropped in on the Post because it was our monthly Horserace Bingo night. Horserace Bingo works like such. Each row (B-I-N-G-O) is renamed with a horse name. Before the race starts, the audience bets on which one will win. To win, your horse's row has to finish first. We have an announcer and another person pulls balls--and pulls them fast. There are five "races"...one of which is called "Commander's Cup" where all the horses are named after previous commanders. I finally got my name picked out, "Fast Lane Elaine", and in true form it raised a few eyebrows. Old folks, lol. I had the stencil made up so my plan was to drop it off and actually bet on horses.

Well I got there and was informed that our regular bingo caller, Millie, was having some family issues. Her mother had been put on Hospice so naturally she needed to spend time with her. Totally understandable. But the moment I walked in the door, I was drafted to be the ball puller. I guess something about me says I'd be good at pulling balls. Never having even touched the machine and knowing I was going to have a room full of people looking at me, I was reluctant at first. But being the commander means wearing the big girl panties even when I prefer to put my feet up on a chair in the back of the room and go commando instead. So much for that, because I had to pull double duty--selling tickets (don't let the innocent face fool you, I'm a hell of a bookie) as well as pull balls. It was actually fun, but took up a fair bit of the night. I came home exhausted...which wasn't good because I had another full night at the Post the following day.

Months ago, while working the door at the Post on a Friday night, I had a member suggest that we host an Iraq/Afghanistan Veterans Appreciation Dinner. Being an Iraqi vet myself, I thought this was a good idea and could be a great opportunity to bring in some younger members. I brought the idea up at a Post meeting. Everyone was supportive of the idea, but no one wanted to really help...or show any initiative. I ended up doing all the planning myself. I got there at 8am on Saturday to set up. When I came back at 3pm, the bartender had alcohol on her breath and my "chef" was also clearly drunk. Despite the heavy advertising, we only had about 50 people show up. Not a single young vet came. Didn't even get one new member application. I spent the whole night in the kitchen because the drunk chef managed to undercook and burn spaghetti noodles all in the same batch. I had to take over cooking and serving after that. And lest I forget how everyone enjoying the free meal had something to say--not enough sauce/meatballs/noodles, can I have extra, how come there's no free soda. Some people even expected to-go boxes for family at home! I didn't even get a plate of food to eat myself. It was horrible. I went home and cried for an hour and swore I'd never go back to the Post.

With the Saturday dinner behind me, I spent a several hours in the studio on Sunday working on more felt plushies. Downloaded a bunch of music--a lot of country music if you can believe that!--and calmed my nerves with a needle and thread. Around 1pm, Mike and I headed over to the Little Theater of Walla Walla and watched our first play there. Steel Magnolias. You know, the movie with Julia Roberts, Sally Field and Dolly Parton. It was such an incredibly cute adaptation of the screenplay. There's nothing like live theater with local actors. We swung by Clarette's on the way home and got two to-go orders of potato pancakes with bacon for a late lunch. Spent the rest of the evening relaxing and being grateful for the holiday the next day.

Monday, we began painting the nursery. First coat was steel grey. Then I started to do this stencil idea using a bright green ("Appletini") paint color to look like a grass border. I adapted the idea from a fellow blogger pal, but quickly learned I do not have the requisite stenciling skills or the patience required to make it look like a 3rd grader didn't do it. I am going to settle with a simple baseboard-to-just-above-the-electrical-outlet-height stripe to simulate grass without painting on actual blades.

Though I was on schedule to sell bingo cards later in the evening on Monday, I had planned on shirking out of it after the fiasco that Saturday night was. But maybe it was the potato pancakes or the creative (although not entirely successful) painting, I had a renewed sense of spirit. So I put the big girl panties on again and headed in. I'm glad I did because when I turned up, I arrived to the news that Millie's mom had passed away the day prior. Being that bingo is our single biggest "fundraiser" and keeps our door open, I'm glad I didn't belly up when they needed me most. It has long been in the back of my command team's mind that we are really not as adequately prepared to run bingo in the long haul, without Millie. We've been talking about training up more volunteers to run the bingo machine, but again, we are short on able-bodied members (hence my spaghetti feed dinner motives, ugh) and have a dwindling list of volunteers. So I got busy pulling balls again. And let me just tell you, that is some pressure! Those bingo players are finicky. If you don't do it just the way they are used to it being done, you will hear about it. Almost worse than those who bitch about a free meal.

Tuesday, I pulled balls again. Man, that's some hard work. Again, I had a few hecklers but I made sure the whole evening was a character building experience for everyone, if you know what I mean.

The rest of this week has flown by. We are expecting one of Mike's National Guard buddies (and his family of 5) to turn up this weekend. They are staying overnight Friday and Saturday. The house is a mess and I don't see that changing before they arrive. Oh well, such is life.

So wow. That was a brain dump. I feel so much better!! And that has nothing to do with the three glasses of wine I drank while writing this...I swear.

See ya soon, I hopes!

a new roller coaster

2012-02-15T19:13:00.000-08:00

These last few days have been hectic. On Sunday evening, I was doing a little poking around the interwebs looking for some good blogs of families currently or recently completed adoptions in Russia. Out of the blue during a google search, up popped a link that said "Russia suspends adoptions to the US". I quickly looked to see the date it was posted, hoping it was from a few years ago. I almost imploded when I saw it had been posted that very day. After about 20 minutes of frantic searching, I wasn't certain what to believe. FoxNews (fair & balanced as they claim to be) along with CBS News was reporting that the Russian government was "considering" requesting a moratorium. But one Russian wire service site had reported that it already made a recommendation and subsequently suspended adoptions.

I couldn't help but think after reading that news--either account, the one that confirmed a suspension or the one that merely anticipated it--that the Universe really wanted to ring me out just one last time. How could this be happening??

Naturally, the first person I called was Mike. He was on the drive home from Tacoma, so at least I didn't have to tell him to sit down. And fortunately, he was only about 25 minutes from home so I didn't have a long time to fret myself into a frenzy before he would be there to settle me down. In that 25 minutes, I typed an email to our agency. Mike seemed to think that all would be well and that nothing, even in stout, rigid, freezing Russia, could possibly change that fast. How I hope he is right.

Monday morning I received an email response from our agency which said:

Dear Adoptive Parents:

We are aware of the recent news stories from Russia and the US press stating that the Foreign Ministry has called for a suspension of international adoptions. There is a related story stating that some regions in Russia have unofficially stopped working on international adoptions.

At this time, we have not been notified by any official authority of a suspension of the international adoptions. This is not something that the Ministry of Education, who is the adoption authority in Russia, wants to have happen, because it is not in the best interest of children. However, it is important to understand that international adoption in Russia is a political issue. The US and Russia have both signed the Bilateral Agreement on Adoption and are waiting for Russia to ratify it- which will most likely occur sometime after elections are held in March. After ratification, we are expecting that the MOE will develop regulations to implement and execute the ideas put forth in that agreement. This will be time consuming and may well slow down the adoption process over the next few months.

Also, it is important for you to understand that there has always been a small contingent of people who would like to stop international adoptions altogether. In the past 15 years, this group has attempted a
suspension (moratorium) on adoptions on several occasions, and has not been successful. Such an action would take the full majority of the Duma (the Russian Congress) to pass.

At this time neither the Joint Council on International Children's Services, the US Dept of State, or the US Embassy in Moscow has any information regarding this story: nor is it being reported by the Moscow Times. We have not been notified of any pending changes to current adoption law or any type of suspension.

Please rest assured that should we receive any information that could affect your adoption process, we will notify you as soon as possible, and in the meantime we are operating with business as usual.

Even after hearing that from our agency, who has worked in Russia for over 15 years, I am still concerned. It's frightening.

Just until recently, I truly began to believe that pursing an adoption in this country would finally lead us to the dream of parenthood. In fact, I was just remarking to a good friend of that very sentiment. Unlike IVF, if we meet the requirements of this program--our background checks come back clean, we prove our mental, physical and emotional stability and can demonstrate to our agency, our government and the government of Russia that we are fit to be parents—we will become parents through adoption. We will, unlike IVF. We will. I don't think you can truly understand how exciting, reassuring and uplifting coming to a realization is for a person who has gone thru the IVF gauntlet. After all we have been through, we are finally on a path that will lead us to our dream. So, the prospect of having that ripped out from underneath us is crushing...and a whole bunch of adjectives...and I'm just not too sure how much more crush I have left in me.

But we picked our agency because they had great references from other adoptive families. What really sealed the deal for us was that all the families we spoke to (about 15 total), made a point to tell us how in control, in tune and informed our agency was with regards to the process and the Russian regulations regarding international adoption. Oh, and the crazy-good in-country support they provided when adoptive parents arrived in Russia. So, knowing that they are not in panic mode with the onset of this news is reassuring...as we are sure they have been through similar suspension rumblings before.

And yesterday, the Joint Council on International Children's Services posted the following statement:

Over the last week there have been various news reports that Russia's Ministry of Foreign Affairs intends to suspend adoptions to the United States until the previously signed bi-lateral agreement between the United States and Russia is ratified by the Russian Duma. However, it is Joint Council's understanding there are currently no plans for a country-wide suspension of adoptions to the United States. No US or Russian officials have confirmed the recent media coverage. Further, adoption can only be officially suspended by order of the Russian president or State Duma. There have been very isolated reports of some regions and/or judges temporarily suspending adoptions until the bi-lateral agreement is ratified by the Duma. These reports are limited and unconfirmed at this time.

Joint Council remains optimistic that the Duma will ratify the Bilateral Agreement in the spring, following the national elections. Prospective adoptive parents should consult with their adoption services provider regarding any in-process adoptions. Joint Council is working to achieve a clear understanding of the situation and will publish appropriate and confirmed information as it is available.

So there you have it. It's been a lot to digest.

first class

2012-02-12T18:54:00.000-08:00

Sergeant type, that is.

May I introduce the Army's newest E-7 Sergeant First Class, my husband SFC Mike Vandiver!

Unfortunately, I didn't remember my camera (DOH!), but there really wasn't an opportunity for me to take a picture since I was the one "pinning" his rank. If you are unfamiliar with the military, the "pinning" part of the promotion ceremony is kind of outdated due to the new uniform type they wear. Before with the old woodland green/brown uniform, the rank was worn on the collar. When a Soldier got promoted, they would actually pin the new rank on the collar. Typically, one collar was done by your supervisor and the other by a battle buddy or spouse.

When promoted to the rank of sergeant and beyond, it was a tradition that the pin be pushed in and slapped down with a nice little prick into the collar bone for good measure. A "welcome to the club" kind of thing. Now with the new uniform type, the rank and other insignia is all velcroed on. It's not as fun to pin but it is still very exciting when the promotee is your husband, the rank is well deserved and you get the honor to do it!

Mike works very hard and has earned every bit of this rank. I have absolutely no doubt that he will make Sergeant Major one day. And I'm not just saying that. This man has what it takes and even more so, he will do what it takes. Congratulations, dear!

weekend

2012-02-10T16:17:00.000-08:00

What a crazy week. I've been wanting to post a few good entries of things that have gone on. I even started a few. But it's just been a really busy couple of weeks, I am having trouble coming up for air.

Things at work have been very eventful. We've had an unseasonably unbalanced workload for the first and second quarters. Being in a Continuing Resolution spending authority has really caused several projects to slide to the right because money simply wasn't available for us to design and construct things. End of year is already a traditionally busy time for us federal contracting types, so seeing these projects shift has been a bit worrisome. Adding to that, one of our teammates was offered an exceptional opportunity in another department. That is great for him, and honestly great for our organization in the long haul, but that means there's more workload for those remaining to absorb.

We are also on schedule to receive workload from a sister district in Nebraska. Nobody knows the order of magnitude with that yet, but they normally have a $1B program so I imagine we will see at least $20-$30M if not more. That's just a guess. And those projects are also slated to arrive in 3rd or 4th quarter. Right now I am up to $27M myself, and that's without this extra stuff.

Needless to say, the future is looking full. Very full. That means ample overtime ~~availability~~ expectation. I'm not usually a fan of overtime because, as I have said before, it isn't worth it. I value my time and although I do feel very well paid, time-and-a-half isn't enough for anything over 8 hours a day. But, I might be inclined to change my opinion temporarily. The overtime would produce quite a bit of extra money. Very well timed extra money, with lots of major outlays in our future--agency fees, last minute international airfares, visas, etc.

Plus, though I haven't been working overtime, my schedule has been so full with Post activities and preparations for the home study, etc. It's virtually made the last few weeks fly by. Having to work overtime will keep me incredibly busy so it will help create the illusion that time is flying! Or so I hope. If nothing else, it will be some more money to pad the cushion.

Speaking of busy, we are headed to Tacoma in a few hours. Mike is getting promoted (that's a whole separate post!) and I am not going to miss it for the world. Even if that means I am spending all evening driving 250 miles and flying back alone tomorrow!

Best get to packing.

weekend

2012-02-07T15:26:00.000-08:00

I was going to do a full write up, but this week has just taken over. So here are the highlights...

Beautiful weather--in the 60's with full sunshine
Hula Hooped on the coast and watched the sunset
Greek l-o-v-e-d the beach
Took a glorious 2 hour nap on the beach
Good food
Good friends
Great times
A few hundred pictures, but here's a couple of faves...

bits & pieces

2012-01-30T14:22:00.001-08:00

We had a very busy weekend. I went out to a movie with a girlfriend from work on Friday and saw "The Descendants" which had George Clooney in it. It was a depressing story line, but it was still a good move and just what I needed to start the weekend off.

On Saturday, I got a little further on a craft project that I began the week prior. I still have a little more to go yet, but I cannot wait to show you. It's the cutest damn thing. I've been enjoying the process of creating it--it's forcing me to slow down and I kind of need that right now.

Also on Saturday, we had a big fundraiser event at the VFW. It was a silent and live auction for homeless veterans in the Walla Walla area. My senior vice commander, Larry, spearheaded the effort with some of the ladies from the auxiliary. I was incredibly nervous about it, because as I have learned recently, I am a bit of a type-A control freak in my old age. But the event went really well. Exceptionally well, actually. We served a nice dinner, had a wine tasting and I was the volunteer bartender--which I loved though there was a huge learning curve! All in all we brought in $5400 to help our local homeless vets! Afterwards, I stayed to enjoy the remnants of a few bottles of wine from the tasting...and...I may have overindulged a bit. It was fun though. I got to spend some time with my junior vice commander, Mike, who has been a great friend to me these last few months. He is the closest person in age to me at the Post and we have a lot in common--so it was fun to shoot the breeze over drinks.

Also on Saturday, we had houseguests--Scott and Dan. Scott is the commander at Mike's National Guard unit and Dan is his partner. They are good peoples. Mike took them out on the town while I was at the fundraiser and when I got home around 9, I entertained them all with some funny stories from the Post that night. Me + wine = lots of stories

On Sunday, Mike and I took them out on the town to a divine breakfast at the Maple Counter Café. I had the blueberry cobbler French toast which seriously helped my hangover and Mike got the bacon pancakes--which were fantastic! Then we took Scott and Dan to a few wineries and to a fancy chocolatier in Milton-Freewater. They hit the road back home right before 3 which gave me just enough time to make it back to the Post for a clean-up detail and our weekly furniture rearranging for bingo. I spent the rest of Sunday evening on the craft project and wondering how the hell the weekend went so fast!

In other news...

Our fingerprints should be somewhere in West Virginia by now, so the clock is officially ticking! Get to work FBI!

Meanwhile--all the other paperwork else seem to be moving right along.

We've sent in our background consent forms for the states of Indiana, Rhode Island and Utah--since we've held residences there at some point since our 18th birthday. The state of Massachusetts wants the consent form notarized, so that should go out in the mail this week. Mike also had his medical exam last Friday. The doc wanted him to have some routine labs done before he would sign the release form, which Mike completed today. The kicker about the medical exam is that it needs to include the doctor's medical license information as well as be signed by the doc in the presence of a notary. His doctor's office seems to have that covered so I'm hoping we get his medical completed before midweek.

I had my last hcg blood draw this past Friday afternoon. Vandy called with the results after lunch today--the quant was under 5 which means this last pregnancy is now medically over. I spoke with him about my medical exam for the home study and he seems to think I will need to be seen since I haven't been in his office in well over a year. He said he needed to see the form to be certain. Luckily the form doesn't require any gynecological information, so I'm hoping it will be an easy exam...if one is even necessary. Vandy also thought one of the front desk girls was a notary, so I am crossing my fingers on that! But if all else fails...we have a good friend at work that is a notary *and* is in the process of international adoption herself! She already offered her services to come and notarize at the clinic on one of her breaks. Not only does that save us a lot of coordination time and stress, but it will save a boat load of money considering the going rate is $10 per stamp. We've already had her do about 20 stamps! Bless her heart!

Anyway, sorry for the lack of updates recently. Time just slips away sometimes. I fear this week will be just as blog-less. Lots of stuff on the calendar in the evenings...not to mention that we have a quick camp trip to the coast this weekend! But who knows, I might squeeze in a blog post from the coast if there's a good 3G signal.

home study deets

2012-01-24T11:43:00.000-08:00

So the home study.

Bottom line up front: It went great!

To say I was nervous was an understatement. It's one thing to clean your house when friends come over...but it's an entirely different thing when it's a stranger who's coming to evaluate your home in the context of your suitability to become a parent.

And just think, there's a baby being born addicted to crack right now somewhere in America.

Ugh. I digress.

I laid awake in bed for hours on Sunday night overanalyzing the state of our house. I even got up a few times and poked around in the dark. I come from a long line of pacers so our main hallway just perpetuates my inclinations. Did I straighten anything up while I paced about? Nope, I just relocated piles of clutter from one room into the next. So, in the extra 8 minutes before running out the door for work the next morning, I cleaned the bathroom vanity and mirror, picked up several stray socks, folded some blankets, and wished I had made the time to wash the dog bed covers.

But the one thing I didn't stress about was the garage. My non-procrastinating DearHeart took care of that a few weeks ago! Before, our garage screamed "Potential Hoarder Wino with a hazmat situation"...with boxes of crap from 3 moves ago toppling over camping gear, a recycle bin full of empty beer and wine bottles from...I swear, the last 2 months...and old kitty litter tubs filled with used motor oil from the last several VW oil changes. But now our garage whispers "Sports nut, treehugger-type avid outdoors people" so long as you don't notice the sheet of dust on the kayak and how unused my snowshoes are!

So anyway, back to the beginning.

We got home from work a little after 3. I was quite surprised when SWMike rang the door right at the stroke of 4 as planned. He looked just like the picture online but was a bit taller than I expected. He gave me a real firm handshake and seemed like a down-home kinda dude (turns out this was right). We went right to the dining room table that was cleaned and oiled within an inch of its life! He had a file folder and I had mine. Dueling paperwork!

SWMike had a nice tone and volume to his speech. He seemed well prepared, although he did admit to not yet reading our "Safe Questionnaires". We dove right in on the personal topic of how we met and married. That was an easy one, because Mike and I have quite a love story...so it was a great way to break the ice. I was still nervous though, and nerves tend to make me have diarrhea of the mouth. But I managed to recount the abbreviated social-worker approved version of our love story. ((So Jim--I kept the "game on" part to myself! Hehe.))

We then went over the multitude of forms he needed. Most of this I already knew, but he did reinforce to us how slow the FBI fingerprint backchecking takes (10-12 weeks). Then we went over some Washington state-specific requirements--disclosure of adoption to the child, consideration for cultural heritage, thoughts on discipline, etc. Then we moved into discussing SWMike's agency involvement and what the completed home study will look like. What I didn't know was that we will get a draft to review, as will our adoption agency. That draft will be sent to our agency's contingent in Russia and they will provide feedback and required revisions before the document is finalized. Smart idea! Especially since SWMike said that changing something after the home study document has been finalized is a total goat rope. He said that he's done home studies for our actual agency before, as well as for other couples in Walla Walla who adopted from Russia! My heart skipped a beat when he said that! Other adopted Russian children in the little town of Walla Walla? Cool beans!!!! I hope we can connect those dots one day soon.

Anyway, we finished up around 5 and I was sure that he was going to do some sort of separate interviews with each of us---based on what I've heard about other people's home studies. Turns out, that was it! For a minute, I was thinking that he wasn't even going to take a look around until he asked for a "quick spin around the old house". And a quick spin it was. A funny spin, actually.

I walked him to our master and he took only two steps inside before Greek bowled him over trying to get into the room before him! lol

Maybe it was the sign on my forehead saying "Please don't come into too much further because I don't want you to see that I have beer fermenting in my closet" or maybe he's just old school and knows you shouldn't poke around in another person's bedroom, but we didn't spend but a half a heartbeat in there. We walked back out into the main living area, down the hall and as I was showing him the seldom used home office, I spotted not one but all three of our animals in tow for the homeshow. lol It's a family affair!

As we headed up the stairs, I got to thinking that I should have instructed Mike to hold Greek, but it was too late. Up the stairs Greek came while we were attempting to climb them ourselves. Now, this would not be a big deal...if say, Greek were a Yorkshire Terrier and not a full blooded Greyhound. You see, he has these long gazelle like limbs making it physically impossible to climb one stair at a time gracefully. He kind of has to do it in two bounds or less. And that's precisely what Greek did, two bounds up the stairs nearly knocking over SWMike. Good thing he's a mellow man and a dog owner himself because he didn't seem fazed at all. Me on the other hand, I was a bit kerfuffled.

He didn't peek into the freshly windexed bathroom because he was digging our spacious loft. Just another reminder that I needn't windex everything because at the end of the day it doesn't matter! : ) It was then that I realized I should have rehearsed more of what I was going to say while giving the house tour, because we have quite a smathering of professionally framed Dave Matthews Band posters. And if you know me for even a second in real life, you will know I am a huge DMB fan and I'm a storyteller from way back. And all these posters most definitely have a story...which I of course love to tell...and most of which are probably not appropriate stories to tell a social worker! But I did good. I focused him on the soon to be woodland themed nursery (like how I snuck that in there?) and the teepee that Greek so graciously showed him! Again, all three animals were in tow--it was so hard for me not to giggle. But boy, SWMike was getting a real authentic view of us because this really is how we roll.

Then it was onto my craft room where I quickly realized that I never got around to taking down a reproduction poster from the Naked Walla Walla Bike Race of 1989. Whoops. Luckily, the vinyl wall lettering spelling out "Tackybuzzer" detracted from the grainy images of naked bike racers and I got to enlighten him on what the phrase "tackybuzzer" means. Before I knew it, we were downstairs...all of us and the four-legged types in tow! But this time, Mike held Greek and no one came a tumbling down the stairs! And instead of heading towards the garage door, SWMike went for the front door. That was it--and not even a peek inside the garage--which means I now have no credibility in ever convincing my Mike that a clean garage is an absolute requirement for anything. Drats!

So that's it, really! Now, it's just a matter of time. Mike shipped off our prints to the FBI this morning and we're just hoping that the bureau moves quickly in West Virginia. He also has an appointment for his medical evaluation this Friday--and I need to schedule mine. We have some online parenting classes to take and some preliminary documents to assemble for our agency. One of which is a picture page! This includes two photographs of the child's room. Motivation to make some nursery decisions! Our crib arrives on Friday. YES!! The big empty house is getting a crib! Oh my goodness, this is really going to happen! ....tear....

fingerprints

2012-01-22T07:57:00.000-08:00

Not that I needed the reminder or anything, but I never want to go to jail!! On Saturday afternoon, Mike reminded me that we could get our prints done at the County Jail--yay for Saturday appointments. So off we went! What a depressing place. You had to be buzzed into a small entryway room and there was no one around. After a few minutes of waiting, this ultra chipper deputy came out. He was in a good mood for working in such a stark place!

I went first and it went a lot quicker than the last time I was printed. Settle down! I was only printed once before and that was for my Department of Defense top secret security clearance--which I can happy say that I still maintain the clearance to this day ; )

The deputy gave me a squirt of orange go-off and I headed to the (nasty) bathroom to wash up and then realized I had forgotten to take a picture! So that's why the one of me is blurry and the other of my right hand isn't in the frame--because I took it with my left hand. But I did get out there in time to catch a couple action shots of Mike getting his done.

It really was a quick affair. Probably because that deputy prints people all the time. But I was happy to grab a few shots for the record book.

In other news...

Tomorrow is our home study visit, take 2. The weather is much better and the snow should be melted by this afternoon so I don't expect there to be a take 3. I imagine that it will be the only time he comes out to "visit"? I have read that other couples have their first home study visit at the home study agency's office....kind of like a sit-down-and-chat-get-to-know-you type thing, which is followed by a real home visit. I'm hoping that with geography, that this visit will be a wham-bam-thank-ya-maam kinda deal. I guess I will find out tomorrow.

I am also happy to report, that in preparation for this visit, the few Christmas decorations I did put up are now happily stowed away in CLEAN closets!! I was sad to see the wire Christmas tree card holder go because it filled empty wall space in our entryway hall. But I think I fixed that with a trip to the consignment store. I found this great old weathered vintage oar. Yes, you read that correctly! It's an oar. There's a story here...isn't there always a story with me? : )

Well...once upon a time in Hammond...our family found itself in a bit of a pickle. I won't go into details, but there was a bit of a frenzy at the house. We had a family discussion about the situation because Eric and I were old enough to need to know what was going on. I distinctly remember saying..."well we're up Shit Creek but we've got some good oars...we're healthy, educated and now we are definitely motivated." It wasn't long before our house was in order and things got back to normal. But after the situation, every now and again when I would call home from college with a sob story and my Mom would remind me that I needed to keep on keepin' on...because I needed a strong oar.

Why I waited this long to finally get a proper oar for this house, I'll never know. But I would like to think that finding this oar at this exact point in my life...well, that was meant to be.

the nursery

2012-01-20T21:33:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, before we ventured into the land of IVF, I gave serious thought about starting to decorate the nursery. I was thinking of subscribing to the mantra...if you build it they will come. I bought a couple of things. They weren't kid specific, so I could still use them sans kids.

I guess you could say I was a bit negative inside. I didn't want to commit to something...a theme, a paint palette, heaven forbid any furniture. It just felt so out of reach. All I could muster was a couple children's book purchases. But that's mainly because I love kids books. The illustrations are fantastic and I love how children's authors really spell out their message in simplistic writing. The mantra was short lived.

And here we be...
On the cusp of adoption...
So many interviews to be had, fingerprints to be taken, and mountains paperwork to fill out. One of them includes several photographs--us, the big empty house, and two shots of the child's room. Seeing that requirement kind of opened that door in my heart that has been shut off for the sake of not jinxing anything. A very, exciting, hopeful door!

And yet, in all my excitement, I am still having trouble hitting purchase. Old habits die hard, my friends...

But thanks to Pinterest and Etsy, I have picked a theme! You will have to stay tuned to find out more...

Our First Delay

2012-01-19T09:28:00.000-08:00

Home study was supposed to be today. Have you seen the news? Pacific Northwest is experiencing Snow-pocalypse 2012. Social Worker Mike's flight out of SeaTac was cancelled. The whole airport is closed. It's an ice rink on the streets in Walla Walla.

We are currently on a delay at work. Office isn't opening until 10am, supposedly. It's still freezing rain right now, on top of the ice and snow we had last night.

Can't say I am surprised or bothered, actually. Our house was "sorta" ready and I haven't been feeling good since Monday's second methotrexate shot. So, instead of getting the house more prepared, I took a nap, played more Words with Friends and made a waffle!

I should be cleaning...

2012-01-14T23:57:00.000-08:00

It's funny. I have a tendency to over-think things. Okay, I over-think everything. And we've done a lot of thinking around here lately. We are on a new path so there are many questions and many things to ponder.

When we first started down the IVF path, it seemed to take forever for my first appointment...to get the ball rolling. And those IVF protocols are long long long. But since we started down the adoption road, we've already started. Like...started, started. Already took two of their webinars. And our first homestudy visit is on Thursday. As in...this coming Thursday.

Since our adoption agency is located in Louisiana, we have had to get with a local Washington State approved homestudy agency to complete that portion of the process. I called him (henceforth Social Worker Mike) after work on Thursday hoping just to get the dialog going. We got to chatting--you surprised? About 20 minutes into it, he said he was going to be in our area (he is based out of Tacoma), so we made an appointment for this coming Thursday. No time like the present, right?

It's wild. We're like...starting the process!!

Between our agency and Social Worker Mike, we've been given a bunch of paperwork to start looking over and filling out. I've read a lot of blogs and articles about how tedious the paperwork can be. But being that I work for the fed and do paperwork all day for a living, I have a feeling that this might come as second nature to me. I am actually looking forward to it. Paperwork is easy, because it doesn't involve the "gown of shame"---I get to keep my clothes on! I know that probably sounds weird, but the last four years of family building has left me (mostly) quite literally exposed in every sense of the word. I'm not nearly as shy as I used to be...

What a change of pace...someone wants to know about me...without looking at me neked?! Well...there's a thought! There's nothing in our past to hide, but there is one little thing I'd sure like to just skip over on my end. I really thought, perhaps, a big piece of Mike would help create a nice diversion. Being that he's active in the National Guard, we could just focus on that and maybe discussion about my service will never crop up? It's not like I am ashamed, not at all, it's just I have a feeling that my experiences in the service might work against me...in this instance.

I was hoping to just overlook the fact I served in a war. An unpopular war. It's one thing to highlight my experiences from that when applying for a government job. Sure. But when applying to adopt a child? From...Russia?

So my plan was to blubber and gush a lot about how great Mike is and how hard he works for the National Guard. It's true! He's the best Soldier that I know! But the first questionnaire I opened from Social Worker Mike was titled "Safe Questionnaire" and it was asking about your experiences. Have you ever experienced "military combat" was the second question. Well shit. I've been to Iraq, does that make me un"safe"?

I truly don't think it will become an issue. After all, I am a well adjusted, articulate, delicate flower of a woman.

((insert goofy charming grin here))

And just to drive that point home a little more, I'm going to show him my fricking spotless house. I better get to work...

наш новый план / our new plan

2012-01-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

We have had a lot of quiet moments in our house lately. We have done a quite a bit of reflection, both together and separately, reaching into ourselves to see where to go from here.

For me, it was mostly a question of what do I want to put myself through? I have not been happy with the person I have become over the course of all of these treatments. I knew going into it that it would change me in some ways, but I guess I didn't expect to become this unhappy. My fuse is shorter, I don't smile as much and I regularly feel very negative. I am mentally exhausted and physically, I am scared to think about what all the drugs, hormones and stress have done to the pieces of me that I cannot even see.

Do I go on? Can I go on with more treatments? Those are difficult questions to ask, especially with the knowledge of our one remaining embryo in Seattle. After careful consideration, we have decided to finish treatment by transferring our last embryo. I know that if I don't try one more time I will have an unquenchable sense of regret and everlasting wonder in my heart. It will be impossible for me to wholeheartedly move forward in life always wondering "what could have been". And I cannot fathom any disposition of that embryo other than returning to my body. So, when the time is right we will proceed with our final embryo transfer.

But with that said, I have to be honest with myself. As with any life journey, sometimes there comes a point when you have to decide what is more important...getting there or being there? We have spent years trying to get there...to parenthood. During the quiet nights, I have had to reevaluate my desire to be a mother. Does it revolve around 9 months of pregnancy or is it more about the days that follow? Do I long to have the round belly, the sonogram photos, the baby shower and experience our child growing inside me? Or do I really dream of the camping trips, the holidays, the piggy back rides...being the Tooth Fairy, the tucker-inner, the dribble catcher, the boo-boo kisser?

Just having to ask myself those questions was difficult...because the true answer was easy. I know that I want to be a mother even if that means we don't get to be the ones creating the child. It is enlightening to discover what it is that matters deep down, but there is also a bit of sweet sadness in that acknowledgement. You have to say goodbye to what you once desired to recognize what it is that you truly need. And although we are going to complete one more round, we are doing so with a light heart. If it doesn't work...it is okay.

Some say that when one door closes, another opens. I have to agree. While we spent much time lately lost in our own thoughts, we both reconnected. As it turns out, I was not the only one considering moving on with a new plan, so was Mike. We had a beautiful discussion the day after Christmas and unanimously came to the realization on how to best move forward with our dream to create a family. And it is a decision that has quickly become one that we are insanely excited about...adoption!

After feverishly researching, reference checking and weighing our options, we decided international adoption was the best fit for us. We have selected a reputable agency in Louisiana, signed a contract and are ecstatic to announce that we are officially on the road to adopting a child from an orphanage in Russia!

On our wedding day, Mike and I substituted "sickness and health" and instead vowed to remain true to each other, in both "sunshine and in rain". We have seen a lot of rain these last 7 years. But I am a lucky girl to have married my best friend for he has been a constant umbrella of kindness and love during these storms. We know there will probably be a few more showers along our path to adoption, but we are certain that we can weather them among the best...and we can already see blue skies just beyond the horizon.

мы рады! (We are excited!)

well my friends

2012-01-01T08:32:00.000-08:00

I don't have anything whitty or profound to say. I'm so freaking hungover!

Last night was strange. I was at the Post all night for the festivities without Mike. People just could not seem to let that point go. Something tells me that I would not have lastest a day in the 1950s.

I got stuck listening to old war stories. It was kind of neat. But I ain't gonna lie, I spent a lot of the night wishing I was somewhere else.

I tried to get out of there right after the new year struck, but I had trouble getting to the door. And then before I had a chance to run, Phil-the touchy feely old commander-grabbed me and planted one on my lips! It wouldn't be a proper night without a bit of awkwardness! I'm getting too good at laughing at myself.

I had planned on taking the Tipsy Taxi home, but it turns out that a whole lot of other people had that same idea. There was a 45 minute wait, and I figured I could have made it home on foot in that time. And that's what I did, without a hat or mittens. I froze my ass off. Turns out it was about a 3 mile stroll. The town was so quiet, it was a refreshing walk and I did a lot of thinking. Mostly about my pals in Indiana, a little about how I am still scared of the dark and a whole lot about my hope for the future.

It's gonna be a good year goddamn it.

Friday Dave lyrics

2011-12-30T05:42:00.000-08:00

Unto your dreaming
When you're alone
Unplug the TV
Turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch

Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch for when I'm old
Digging a ditch where stories told
Where all these troubles
That weigh down on me will rise
Unto your dreaming
When you're alone
Where all these worries
Weigh heavy on my heart
Will rise, will rise, will rise...

Unto your dreaming
When you're alone
Unplug the TV
Turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch

Cause I'm diggin a ditch where madness gives
Digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch and when I'm through
Digging this ditch I'll dig in for you
Where all these disappointments
That grow angry out of me will rise

Unto your dremaing
When you're alone
Not what you're sure be or what you've become
Just getting heavy on with digging your ditch

Cause I'm digging a ditch where madness gives
I'm digging a ditch where silence lives
Digging a ditch and when I'm through
Digging a ditch I'll give one you
Where all these disappointments
That grow angry out of me will rise

Unto your dreaming
When you're alone
Where all these habits
That weigh down on me will die
Will die, will die, will die...

Unto your dreaming
When you're alone
Unplug the TV
Turn off your phone
Get heavy on with digging your ditch

winter is

2011-12-29T19:50:00.000-08:00

Breeding time for the fertile types.

I done got like 3 Facebook pregnancy announcements this week alone. One of them was from a couple who recently announced they didn't want kids.

Its not fair.

hello

2011-12-28T11:23:00.000-08:00

I was hoping to take some time off this blog to kind of let 2011 settle in my brain and really prepare myself for what I see happening in 2012. But forcing myself to stop writing is not good for me. I have too many words inside...most of which are meaningless chatter...none the less, they need to come out. Or I will find myself, as I have a lot lately, spewing word vomit to those whom I don't know real well...and those who probably shouldn't know the extent of my personal drama.

Anywho.

That brings up a good point. Someone told me offline that I might be putting myself at risk by sharing so much of my life here. As in, I should make this blog password protected. It made me think. Well, yeah, I do put out a lot of personal information and perhaps someone looking to be malicious could probably put the pieces together and find me. I'm sure I have a photograph of my house on here somewhere. And lord knows I talk about Walla Walla a lot. This place is small. I'm in the phonebook ;)

I digress.

I often think about what I say here. I take a good hard look at it before I hit publish--though I must admit I proof read more for grammar than I do for content. I fucking hate typos. It's like any other type of conversation--where you can't take it back once the words leave your mouth. But with blogging, it's written down and once it's out there...it's out there, for like, good and stuff. To perpetuity and beyond! lols

Blogging for me is super personal and the audience is virtually anonymous. That's probably the allure for me. There are very few real life friends/family who have this address. There's a reason for that. My circle of trust is small...very small.

If find it deeply therapeutic to say what it is I am thinking and feeling right at the moment its happening. And maybe it's just me, but I find that I am continually analyzing and over processing my thoughts before I speak them to someone in real life. It's not easy to go thru all this, much less concern myself with how to adequately discuss it without potentially damaging my image. I do swear a lot, after all! Plus, I am not nearly as good a conversationalist as I normally am, and especially so when it comes to this subject. I get weepy really quick. I cry a lot. Nearly every night. I don't want people knowing me in real life as a crier. Who wants to hang around a crier? For reals.

So here, I like to just blurt it out. Tears could be streaming down my face and you will never know it. You can take it for what it's worth and I can say it without wasting time ensuring that I'm adhering to social protocols and shit.

And yeah, I talk about my very intimate moments in stirrups. My many dates with the dildo cam. Injecting myself with drugs. Awkward encounters with medical professionals. My hormonal rages. All those beautiful imperfections. But I appreciate the ability to be candid here. I love the supportive comments I get, from those regular readers who show love and especially those anonymous ones. So often in life, people walk by and say, "Hi! How are you?" but you know they don't really give a shit about how you are. It's just a formality...another way to simply say hello. But when you comment on a blog, it takes effort. It means you just read it all and that you weren't only half listening. That you have a comment to add because you read without being distracted by the next text message popping up on your phone or by being distracted with whatever is on the tube. I'm talking to you!

And the way I look at it, if someone goes to such great lengths to do me wrong with the information I've shared here, well I take it as a compliment. And a challenge. Try me, motherfucker. I'm a force to be reckoned with.

small town!

2011-12-25T15:03:00.000-08:00

So funny, had to share.

Mike was out on a bike ride this morning, enjoying the cold weather gear I got him for Christmas. Saw another biker on the road who ended up catching up to him. The other biker was bundled up just like Mike, after all it was in the 30's.

He introduced himself as Jim. They got to chatting. Mike asked him where he worked. He said the Women's Clinic.

Oh snaps.

Mike asked his last name.

VANDERSLOOT.

Finally, Mike got to spend a few minutes in Awkward Town!!

OMFG!

Vandy asked how I was doing. And then he asked Mike if my levels were going down. You've got to be fucking kidding me! Ummmmm....aren't you supposed to know that? Oh wait, yeah, that's right, YOU DIDN'T CALL ME BACK ON FRIDAY WITH MY LAB RESULTS, Asshole!

God love him, Mike actually told him that! Minus the asshole part.

I swear to god I couldn't make this kind of shit up, and I have a great imagination. But this is beyond me!

From anyone else watching them together, they might think all these dudes had in common were bikes. No one would know they actually have me and my..ahem...in common. And can you believe it, Vandy even talked about my situation on the ride?? He told Mike that we really need to consider having my tubes removed before proceeding with another IVF cycle. Oh my word.

I am not sure if I am disturbed by this or if I should continue the nervous laughing.

Holy balls. This is one Christmas for the books...

Year in Review

2011-12-24T10:32:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to stay positive (read: distracted), I thought I would do a little Year in Review post. I don't want a dashes of disappointment here and there to overshadow what a fun filled and jam packed year I have had.

Anyways...

In January, I was "back home again in Indiana..." It was a nice trip. I got to see my girls from Alpha Delta Pi! We had a baby shower for my sorority sister, Kristin, in Carmel, Indiana. After graduation, we have all gone to the four winds-- representing the states of Indiana, Ohio, Washington, Missouri and Texas--but when we get together it's like we are 20 again and living in the Pi Palace. Coincidentally, I was also preparing for my first FET while in town and had my first PIO shot administered by my other sister and then Nurse-in-Training Jen.

We transferred two beautiful blasts on Feb 4th.

It was a difficult transfer and I got another big fat negative result a few short weeks later. I also found out my insurance discontinued coverage on fertility medications if they were used in conjunction with assisted reproductive technologies. I kept myself busy by making progress on the finishing touches of the cork-rimmed mirror.

In March, I went to Florida. One of my cousins was getting married, so I made a trip out of it since I was flying across the country. I landed on the 17th and that day quickly became the best St. Patty's Day I have ever had. I don't remember much (thanks to Uncle Mark's pink cosmos),

but I do remember I learned how to "snakebite" and "throw someone the hoof". I just remember a lot of laughing,

playing Rock Band, and watching some random guy fall off his bike. After the wedding festivities were over, my Dad and I drove south to the Keys. The Keys have been on my bucket list for a few years and boy was I glad to get to see them. This was also the first time I ever took a vacation just with my Dad. We had a blast. We did a lot of walking...a lot. But we made it to the Southernmost Point in the USA,

ate a real life Cheeseburger in Paradise and enjoyed many a fine cocktails along the way. Oh, and I was also on lupron preparing for the FET the following month.

April was a hopeful month. We transferred the last two of our frozen embryos on the 11th.

It was probably the most difficult transfer to date and I wasn't surprised to get another negative result just as spring was springing into the Walla Walla Valley. I self medicated with red wine. A lot of red wine.

In early May, as we were making final preparations to visit my Dad at the Lake of the Ozarks in Missouri, I got a frightening call from my him. His condo, where we were all going to stay, burned down. Like...down to the ground!

Thanks in part to my Dad's swift planning, his connections and the wonderful condo community's support, we secured lodging quickly during the Lake's busy Memorial Day weekend. We arrived a few days before the holiday crowd, met Mike's parents at the airport and drove down together. Even stopped for a bag of Castles on the way! In the span of only a few days, my brother and SIL arrived from Texas, my Aunt and Cousin came from Florida and my Cousin and her family drove down from St. Louis. It was such a great long weekend filled with laughs, good food (thanks to Mom), playing Pass the Trash and Left-Right-Center and fishing and boating of course. I also turned 31 on this trip. And let's not forget the matching shirts!

Burn Ban Reunion 2011. (I am happy to report that they have already started to rebuild and my Dad's unit is already being built! He should be in by April. Housewarming anyone?)

June was easy and slow as I recall. It took forever for the weather to get warm so we completely gave up on the garden this year. But I did replant the wine barrel planters with some succulents. What I remember the most about June was the RendezVW campout in Maupin and how well Greek did off leash!

I also distinctly remember June being about early evening walks with Greek, watching my magnolia start to thrive and planning a trip for October...

July was really hectic in all elements of our life. Early that month, I flew into Seattle to meet up with Mike who had been in the Tacoma area for two weeks for annual training with the National Guard. He participated in the Seattle-to-Portland Bicycle Classic with two fellow Guardsmen.

Together they biked the 210 mile course from Seattle to Portland and I drove the blue bus and was the support vehicle (read: sherpa). It was a ton of fun and I loved being able to support them. Just a week later, I went back out to Seattle for an Office Hysteroscopy--where PDuds put a "camera up in there". We found out why the three embryo transfers were so difficult. This big old thing called a uterine polyp. It was devastating to see what had likely destroyed those embryos before they even had a chance. It was also scary to hear the word polyp because I immediately thought about cancer.

On August 15, we went back to SRM and I took a little nap while PDuds removed the polyps. Yes, in a span of just a month, I went from one polyp to three. He removed them successfully and I got a refill on vicodin. Bonus! Just kidding. I had a post-op follow-up sonohystersogram locally thinking it would be easier than flying back to Seattle. Big mistake. The doctor thought he saw another polyp and noted that my (exterior) uterine fibroid, her name is Frannie, had gotten a bit bloated and measured in at 9cm. He seemed to think this was a huge issue and strongly suggested that I have it removed. I managed to get copies of the SHG images and had a teleconference with PDuds who was not at all concerned about the fibroid but was suspicious about the potentially new polyp.

I spent the rest of August on the Pill, I worked a lot of overtime in the office and single handedly kept a few local wineries in business by hosting the first Walla Walla Grapehound Tour for the greyhound rescue group. It was such a greyt time!

At the very beginning of September, we made our annual pilgrimage to the Gorge Amphitheater to see the Dave Matthews Band. Our pals, Mo and Bri, flew in again from Jersey and had another buddy, Berg, come in from Chicago. My good friend from college, Liz, also drove up from Portland. It was a wild weekend, as it always is at the Gorge when DMB is playing.

September was also my big month at work (our fiscal year end), yet I still managed a weekday roundtrip to Seattle for another date with the ho-ha cam. PDuds saw another polyp but according to him it was tiny and not much in the way. Got the green light to start IVF cycle #2. But the best part of September was celebrating our wedding anniversary. Lucky seven!

October was a colorful month. With fiscal year end behind me at work, we took a trip to Albuquerque thanks to frequent flyer miles! It was time to see the 40th Albuquerque International Hot Air Balloon Fiesta. I just cannot describe it, so I hope these pictures can.

Back home in Walla Walla, the weather got cooler and the nights started earlier. Spent a lot of time on the couch and watched Mike participate in a local cyclocross race.

I started stims in November. On the 3rd, I had 17 eggs retrieved, of which 13 were mature and 12 fertilized with the help of ICSI. On the 8th, my Dad was to arrive in Walla Walla to spend a few weeks for Thanksgiving. Since I was headed back to Seattle that same day, I surprised him when he came off the plane, and we spotted Danny Bonneduche while having lunch in the Seattle-Tacoma Airport. He headed to Walla Walla and I went back to the clinic where we transferred 2 "fair" quality day 5 (day 4 in development) embryos.

On the 11th we celebrated Veteran's Day and Mike's National Guard Unit, the 133rd Army Band, was in town to play for us. They marched in the parade and I was also in the parade, being the big bad ass VFW Post Commander that I am.

The Band played a free concert at the VFW hall that night and knocked everyone's socks off. I am still hearing praise from our members to this day!

On the 17th, despite indications that it hadn't worked, I had my first beta and it was positive for pregnancy. I started to bleed but the next day the numbers doubled. And they doubled again on the 21st. On the 24th, we celebrated Steaksgiving. I tried to be thankful but the pit of my stomach was telling me otherwise.

It was a long few weeks to get to December 5th, my first ultrasound. There was nothing there. Resulting beta tests indicated a non-viable pregnancy. More tests and more ultrasounds, nothing still to be found. Had a shot of methotrexate and cancelled Christmas.

Although the year ended quite rough, it's hard not to reflect on the happy bits--of which there were a lot.

We have one little embryo waiting for us in Seattle and some new prospects for our future and a beacon of hope somewhere in Louisana. We'll talk more about that later.

Merry Christmas--see you in 2012.

is xmas over yet?

2011-12-18T15:02:00.000-08:00

Always a tough season for an infertile, especially this damaged one. Let's just get on with 2012 already.

That's all.

down swing

2011-12-16T19:17:00.000-08:00

Quant today was 4800. Vandy says that is an appropriate reduction.

Retest each Friday for the next two weeks.

The good news is that they probably won't need to go in and remove what is left of this pregnancy. But he seems to think I should have my tubes removed now, if I choose to proceed with another IVF cycle. We will see what PDuds thinks of that, but I have to admit that he *might* be right.

I am working the door at the Post tonight. Nothing but time on my hands and a few hours to sit alone and reflect. Pity Party of one, your table is ready.

fml

2011-12-14T05:39:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's hcg was 6764.

Yeah, so much for one shot and it's over.

It fucking aint over yet.

Clinic here says a slight increase is normal, so long as it's not exponential. I got no indication that this was exponential. Sitting on the couch last night, strange slightly painful twinge for 3 minutes on my right side. I swear, if they have to go in and take this out I'm going to lose my motherfuckin mind.

Repeat test on Friday. Might have to get another shot. That fiasco one more time.

one shot and it's over

2011-12-12T10:08:00.000-08:00

Friday was a very depressing day. I knew all day long that I was going to have to go to the clinic and get the methotrexate shot. Against my better judgment, I called the Women's Clinic and asked to leave a message for Vandy's nurse, though I don't trust him anymore one cannot be too picky in times like this. Turns out they were out all day in surgery. So I left a message for the on-call OB--Dr. Kaminsky.

Great, let's add another man to the list of doctors who have seen my shit.

It took a few hours but he finally called me back--he called my house first even though I left my cell number as primary contact. I briefly went over my situations. Last menstrual period, egg retrieval, transfer, hcg levels. He stated the obvious about getting the shot. We made plans for me to arrive in the clinic at 3:30 to get a height/weight (for the dose), some instructions and of course just a little bit more time in Awkward Town as it turns out...

I got there early, why I am not sure because nothing ever moves quickly with a doctor who is on-call. I waited alone in the waiting room and hoped there wouldn't be too many round bellies. Got to see a few pregnant teens. It was fantastic. I waited an excruciating 45 minutes. It was fucking ridiculous. And in comes Kaminsky. He's a twirpy looking guy. And he gave me the limp fish handshake. His whole presence didn't give me much confidence. Again, one cannot be too picky in these circumstances. All I needed was his signature anyway.

He said he had made prior coordination with St. Mary's for the administration of the drug. I was going to have to go to the ER to check in and they'd handle me from there. As I was leaving, he patted me on the shoulder. Like you pat a dog on the head. And then actually told me to "have a nice weekend." Fuck you, dude.

Thoroughly irritated at this point, I crossed the parking lot from the clinic to St. Mary's. I walked straight into the ER thru the ambulance doors. There were at least 15 people standing around doing nothing. It was like I interrupted the holiday party or some shit. They escorted me out to the area where I was supposed to check in. Here I was thinking that I would just "drop in" get my shot and leave, now these bastards wanted a record of my presence.

Standing there holding my little sheet from Kaminsky--which was really a crappy ditto copy of a very old "Doctor's Orders" sheet. At the top it clearly said "DX: ECTOPIC PREGNANCY". In bold and underlined. It was probably the only fucking legible thing on the page, except for my name and the confirmation that I am a ripe 31 years old. When I said my name, a gal behind the desk said "it's her, ya know, the one, we need to call Lynn."

Yes, I am her, the pregnant infertile. I thought for a moment this meant folks would start handling me with kid gloves. And that would have been nice for a change because I was as fragile as they come. I was standing there crying, the whole damn time. But the bitch behind the computer screen could seem to care less because she just barked at me.

Lynn finally came down. She was an RN. Told me that we were going to Infusion Services in the Same-Day-Surgery-Center. Great. What the fuck is infusion services? She put me to a post-op room. The place, like the ER, was completely empty. Small towns are good for things like that--empty emergency rooms but don't go expecting specialized care. Holding my "Doctor's Orders" slip, she called for the lab. The lab? Oh yeah, she said the doc had ordered a full battery of tests before the shot. You've got to be fucking kidding me...

When I had my first methotrexate shot in October 2009, no one asked for a liver check and a CBC...

How long is it going to take to get the results? Maybe an hour she said. An hour? It wasn't like I had somewhere else I'd rather be (except for maybe actually catching the Ellen Show for once this week), it was just that I wanted the whole fucking nightmare over as soon as humanly possible. I sat there facing a wall, tears running down my face. Just when I thought I had given it all to get this pregnancy, the universe was asking me to give a whole lot more to rid myself of it.

Un-fucking-believable.

And then I heard the familiar squeak of the mobile lab cart and in walked a tech I hadn't met yet, despite over 35 blood draws and counting. She was probably the only one who actually looked at the Doctor's Orders, then looked at me...in the eyes...and gave me the look. More tears. She said, "I have another draw on the third floor, but I am going to go back down to the lab and run these right now. I should have your liver results in the next 15 minutes." God bless that woman, I never caught her name.

While I waited, Lynn gave me the clicker for the tv. It was 4:45 and I tried to concentrate on the last fifteen minutes Ellen but it was impossible because she was talking to pharmacy and I'm a nosey broad. Everything sounded like it was all on track and she hung up the phone. About 8 minutes later, all the lab results were in. God bless that lab tech, someone actually gets it. Seems my white count was a little out of tolerance but my liver was fine.

And then the phone rang. From the responses Lynn was giving, I deduced that the pharmacy either out-right didn't have the methotrexate or didn't have enough for my fat halfway pregnant ass. She said something about checking at Walla Walla General to see if they had any and then she hung up the phone. It took every last ounce of restraint for me to not burst into flames when Lynn said that the pharmacy had it but it was "expired". Guess when Kaminsky said he would "coordinate" it all, he really didn't think about checking if they actually had it on hand. Piece of fucking shit.

Pharmacy said the drug was only 2 months expired...funny, my pregnancy was also about that expired already. What could it hurt? I begged her just to give me the damn shot. She said she had to get the approval from Kaminsky. Being that it was already 5:30PM now, tracking that ass down in the clinic was impossible since the answering service automatically took all the calls after 5PM. Luckily, he left his cell number on the order slip, but that too was going straight to the answering service. At every turn, a wall. A big gigantic unclimbable wall.

Lynn could see my distress so she started to phone a friend. A few calls later and she found Kaminsky. He was probably in Labor & Delivery. He said it was the pharmacist discretion on the safe administration of the drug. Go figure. But he gave a verbal approval despite and another 20 long minutes later, Lynn was walking it into the room. It was in a brightly marked plasic sack "Chemotherapy Agent". It was 3cc of liquid and the pharmacy already put it in only one syringe. I told her 3cc was fine in one poke for me. Hell, I used to get 2cc of PIO in one spot and that shit is as thick as peanut butter. But she was convinced it was "against her better judgment as a nurse" than to administer 3cc in one location. Two pokes it was.

It is start of the beginning of the end that day. It will take that drug a few days to completely convince my cells to stop dividing. I have a follow up hcg on Tuesday and Friday to ensure the numbers are going down. Paul called on Saturday afternoon to see how it went down. I thought about telling him this whole story, but what good would that have done except for show him how fucked up in my head I am? He wanted to know if I was going to be doing follow up hcg tests and the question kind of befuddled me. Of course I was, I was assuming he'd be the ordering doctor for those tests (even though Kaminsky already had ordered, I figured SRM would reorder so that the results go to them). But this is not the case, the good doctor wants Kaminsky to manage this part since he prescribed the shot. I can't help but feel that I'm being shucked off to this schmuck. I feel abandoned. Part of me wanted to tell him "you did this to me" but we both know that's not the case. He didn't do this to me. God did.

And on that note, we've officially cancelled Christmas at our house.

it can always be worse...

2011-12-07T18:46:00.000-08:00

and it is.

I had another ultrasound this morning, but this time it was done at the Hospital and not the Women's Clinic. PDuds wanted a real imaging center to perform the scan and interpret it. The sonographer, Toni, was really thorough. I tried to warn her about Frannie's shadow but she wasn't fazed. She did an abdominal scan and both Lefty and Righty showed up just fine. During the vaginal scan, we saw nothing in the uterus, no shock there. Toni took her time and got a lot of clear images with the help of some deep breathing exercises. When I got dressed, she asked how long we had been trying. Four long years. She lamented that she, too, had tried for four year and then gave up. And then, can you guess what happened? She got pregnant. He's 14 now.

Anyway.

After the scan, I got my blood drawn. I usually go earlier but I just couldn't get my ass in gear before the scan. And I figured this would be one of the last ones so I could take my time. Boy, was I wrong.

After the blood draw, I phoned My Girl Sarah. She said she would call me when the results were in and PDuds reviewed. By 4pm I hadn't heard anything, so I put in another call and left a message on her voicemail. Half way thru the Ellen Show, I got the call.

I was hoping to hear that my levels had dropped. Strange to think about, really. All this work to get pregnant and now my hopes are that the obviously abnormal pregnancy just does away with itself on its own. Very strange.

And then she said that my level was 2800. Oh my fucking god. This is an abnormal rise and the fact there was nothing visible in the uterus on the ultrasound is also not good. If it's not in the uterus, it means its somewhere else. And since we are talking about a finite locale, well that "somewhere else" is probably my right fallopian tube. You may not recall, but my left tube has been determined to be blocked by ectopic pregnancy #1 in October 2009.

Sarah said I needed to consider having a D&C. I about lost it when she said that. The thought of having something scrape "whatever is in there" out of me just makes me want to jump off a building. She asked if I would consider having the procedure locally or if I wanted it in Seattle. There is absolutely fucking no way I would so much as let a physician in Walla Walla even speak the words "dilatation and curettage" to me, lest of all actually perform one on me.

I cannot fucking believe this is even happening.
I told Sarah that it didn't matter, I would come to Seattle and stay as long as it took...if we really have to go this route.

We don't really have to fucking to this to me, do we? Really?

She needed to check with PDuds first and said she'd call me back. About a half hour later she did. Duds was no where to be found but she did speak with the on-call physician. He seemed to think it was a bad idea to let me come to SRM for the procedure and then send me back. The idea being, if a complication were to present itself once I was home, it is not advisable to have a previously uninvolved physician manage it. I can see where he is coming from, especially with my extremely fucked up luck. If a serious complication from a D&C had a 1% chance of happening, that really means its a 65% chance it will happen to Elaine.

Since we couldn't make contact with PDuds, we made a deal to sleep on it and discuss with him in the morning. Clearly I'm not really in a life threatening situation since I'm not bleeding and I have no abdominal pain. There is no point in rushing a decision one way or the other.

So I resolved myself to the couch and staring at the wall while my insides decay.

I thought about a tupperware party I was supposed to attend. The fact I have to go back to work tomorrow. The fact there is a baby somewhere inside of me trying to survive while dying at the same time.

And then the phone rang. With the area code being Tacoma and not already stored in my phone as an SRM number, I knew it had to be Paul. And it was. It was 6 o'clock.

He still hadn't seen the ultrasound images from St Mary's, but did want to know the extent of the exam. We relayed to him how thorough Toni was and that she did both an abdominal and vaginal exam. He said he really didn't want to prescribe methotrexate without physically seeing me, considering where the hcg numbers were. And he didn't want to make a decision without seeing the images and speaking to the radiologist directly.

Fair enough.

But he did say he wasn't concerned about me having the D&C at SRM and then sending me home the next day. I guess he doesn't think my luck is as bad as it has proven to be thus far. Besides, if I were to develop a rare post-op complication, I am more than certain we'd be able to recount my extensive situation. If we are nothing else, we are intimate with my medicalness.

I just can't believe it has come to this. One minute I am pregnant and it seems like now I'm not pregnant enough that I must have whatever it is that is growing inside of me scraped from my body.

Christmas is fucking cancelled.

except for the crying

2011-12-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, nothing was visible in the uterus. It was so hard to believe that there really was nothing in there.

I had been feeling empty all week.

But the most inept ultrasound tech searched some more because you know it could have gone anywhere, maybe even in my last remaining open tube. She couldn't find anything and was obviously one of those "awkward uncomfortable silence talker" types. She kept rambling on and stumbling to find the keys on the machine. It was a fucking nightmare.

I asked her three times if there was anything in my uterus. She finally said no. As I was walking out she even made some crack about me not "paying them" since we couldn't see anything. Bitch, I outta not pay your ass. Matter of fact, I won't. I felt like decking that fucking whore. Who says that shit to a woman that just found out her pregnancy ended?

Something tells me tomorrow won't be much different since I also had a blood draw this morning. My beta was 2001. PDuds said it should have been at least 3000 by now. I am having a repeat draw tomorrow followed by another ultrasound at St. Mary's in the actual radiology department. I swear to the world, if I encounter another dumb hoe I will lose my mother fucking mind. Just because I will be in stirrups doesn't mean I can't kick.

It's over

2011-12-05T16:42:00.001-08:00

meanwhile...

2011-12-03T14:35:00.000-08:00

Mike is in Tacoma for drill. It's one of my favorite drills because it's the annual Red White and Blue Christmas concert. I haven't seen that concert in 4 years now, since we've been living in Walla Walla. They are wearing the new Army Service Uniform for it this year and I haven't seen my Soldier in that uniform yet. Hopefully next year I can see this concert.

Meanwhile....

I've been trying to keep myself busy. Sometimes the couch gets the better of me and a whole day will fly by without a shred of productivity. I find that hours on the couch only end up with my anxiety climbing to new heights and my nails getting bitten so far my fingers bleed. I really need to work on that.

Anyway, this morning I took Greek for a nice long walk around the neighborhood. It was frigid outside. Barely 20*. We busted out the winter coats, hats and mittens. Seems that any day now it'll be snowy and icy and we'll be breaking out his dog booties. No matter the temperature, Greek loves his walks. He enjoys getting caught up on all his pee-mail, and of course there's usually another dog walker or two out and about.

After the walk, I realized it was time to get some chores done. The city recycle doesn't pick up glass and I just cannot fathom throwing away perfectly recyclable material. So, we've had a stash of empties out in the garage. Kind of got so full that it was hard not to trip on a stray bottle or two before walking in the door. So I loaded Greek in the bus and then jam packed the glass in there. I got to the recycle center a few minutes after they opened thinking there wouldn't be anyone there to see just how many bottles I was disposing of. Boy was I wrong. There were 3 cars, and the glass bin was freshly emptied, so everyone got to hear just how much we've been drinking at my house. It was a bit embarrassing but oh well.

Thought it was about time to tackle some Christmas shopping. Took a quick shower and headed out. I didn't really cross anyone off my list completely yet, but I got a decent start. Having been into about 6 stores and not purchased a darn thing for myself, I thought I had the willpower to brave Klickers. Klickers is a produce/pumpkin patch/Christmas Tree/homemade canned goods/fresh ice cream/imported cheese/antique store on the outskirts of town. I love that place and this time of year they get in a good stash of ornaments. Their antiques are to die for and reasonably priced. It was packed when I got there (big fresh tree sale), so I had the antique section to myself. And there it was. THE piece I have been looking for the last two years. An armoire. I almost didn't want to touch it because I had a feeling that it might be out of my price range. But the tag said $289. It is absolutely beautiful. I'm not normally an impulse buyer, especially when it comes to furniture, but this thing was a beaut!

The main door opens about an inch before it starts to get hung up on the bottom trunk part. You can barely make out the scrape marks in this picture. And the bottom trunk part's drawer is a bit snug. I talked to one of the gals who worked there and she said they usually rub a bar of soap on the bottom of the drawers and usually it shimmies right in. I think the main door will need a slight bit of sanding and maybe a tune up on the hinges might keep it from scraping at the bottom. The mirror is old and has some of those discolored spots that old mirrors get and I love that. Although I already have a big mirror in the bedroom, I think this will fit right in. If I had an extra set of hands, I would have driven the white bus over and picked it up right then. But looks like I'm going to have to wait until Monday.

Monday is going to be a big day. My first ultrasound and picking up this lovely piece of furniture.

Is it freaking Monday yet????

i can't change it

2011-11-30T12:09:00.000-08:00

More clots. More blood. Ah, but...still no cramps. It's funny what little shreds of hope one can hang onto when you go through something like this...

Yesterday morning just about destroyed me. I tried to think...I started bleeding like this early on and my numbers were rising, maybe this is just a repeat? Maybe? Pretty please?

The truth is, I don't know. This could be the beginning of a few weeks of harmless bleeding followed by a happy pregnancy and a healthy baby or two. Or maybe this is the beginning of the end again. It's too early to see anything on the ultrasound, so aside for the added stress, another day in stirrups and the cost, it doesn't make sense to rush the ultrasound. Monday we will have our answer.

In the mean time, I'm trying to fight off every urge to break into tears. The urges are many. But I have a lot to do at work--things are actually going pretty good with this acquisition which is rare. Maybe that is my consolation gift? @#$!^&

Waiting is never easy and waiting at work while acting like my life isn't falling apart and pretending that a baby might not be dying inside of me, well it doesn't ever get any easier. Not even with time. But I have to tell myself, there isn't any amount of worrying that will change the outcome. These children will either be born or they will not. I think I have done my best to lay a foundation that would foster survival, but I don't have the ability to determine the outcome. It is going to be whatever it is to be. Forcing myself into a daily purgatory of worry, self-hate and anxiety will not change it.

I'm not giving up on this pregnancy, but emotionally I just have to let nature take out its twisted little course on me.

I have struggled the last four years attempting to change my destiny. This part of the journey is out of my hands.

paralyzed

2011-11-29T11:33:00.000-08:00

I feel emotionally paralyzed. Woke up with a dime sized clot and have been bleeding off and on all morning.

I have a major acquisition kicking off today, receiving proposals and starting the evaluation board tomorrow. All I want to do is crawl in a whole somewhere in Denial and go back to blissful ignorance. But I can't because my job needs me there, and I am not just saying that. How am I supposed to care about a navigation lock project when the biggest project in my life is showing up on my panty liner.

This is fucking wicked. I don't know if I am coming or going anymore. I want to talk about but I really don't. I feel like if I talk about it, it will just make it worse.

I need a bigger fucking seatbelt, because this ride is tossing me all over the fucking place. God help me.

taking it easy

2011-11-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

With my ultrasound being exactly one week from today, I asked My Girl Sarah to tell me how far along I will be. Funny, I have mastered the infertility lingo, I can actually pick out different anatomy bits on static ultrasounds images, and I'm kind of a big deal when it comes to making pharmaceutical cocktails...yet simple math has me stumped. I guess I'm just not used to be on this side of ART treatments. This is such new territory for me.

Anyway, right now I am 5 weeks and 5 days, so next at week's ultrasound I will be 6w5d. I know the fertile world might shun me further for saying this, but I feel like I should be more like 13 weeks. Don't I get any credit for those four weeks on the Pill, followed by two weeks doing the thrice nightly injections? What about the 51 months leading up to this? Even felons get credit for time served...I'm just sayin'.

Seriously, though, mentally I feel a lot further along than 5 weeks. I mean, I thought I "ate, breathed, slept" baby making the last four excruciatingly long years. But now with a real life pregnancy brewing, I see that I haven't even scratched the surface. I have a whole new set of concerns to stress over. There isn't an hour--or 10 minute span really--that goes by that I don't think about what's going on in there. What I am feeling. What I am eating. What I see on the T.P.

I've lived a lot of life in the last 5 weeks and I don't want to be charged with wishing my life away. But...if we could just hit fast forward, say, for about 7 weeks, that would be marvelous. And I'm not saying that to get out of the traditional morning sickness zone. I haven't puked yet, and believe me I have over analyzed that very fact quite enough already. I know that being in the second trimester doesn't put me out of the danger zone, but it would be so nice to get a little help clearing the next hurdle. Ya know?

I'm so tired of being stressed out. I'm ready to have it all work out for a change, without all the heartache.

one day at a time

2011-11-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

It has been hard to focus on anything lately. I am trying not to take my neorosies to a new level, but its hard not to now. I experienced a little spotting on Thanksgiving, which narrowly sent me into a tailspin. I did call PDuds office...when you pay them enough, yes, they do work major holidays! The nurse tried to tell me that spotting in early pregnancy was very common and that I should just take it easy and not think about it! Ha! I fell asleep on the couch immediately after dinner and tried to ignore every cramp and every "what if" running rampant thru my mind.

Friday was mellow, not many folks at work. I was very productive until after lunch when I just couldn't stop myself from googling. Saturday I took a quick trip to the TriCities to check out Hobby Lobby's sale. Stopped at Sonic for popcorn chicken and felt "that feeling", which sent me running for the nearest potty. There again was a bit of spotting. It was not a lot but I definitely saw more red than the day before. I bet you wanted to know that.

Needless to say, each trip to the potty is filled with a bit of anxiety. So I am taking it one day at a time. December 5th can't get here fast enough.

Thank You

2011-11-24T06:27:00.000-08:00

I have written this post a few times, but each version just didn't convey my feelings properly. This blog has been a much needed outlet for me. The IF community is littered with insanely supportive women who are bumbling and struggling through, what I would consider to be, the world's most difficult journey. I am thankful for the support and encouragement that I have been given, and I look forward to giving it right back!

Whatever step of the journey you are on, I hope you find something to be thankful for. The support of your partner, your family, your friends. Access to advanced medical technologies. That no name bank in upstate New York for financing the dream. The sometimes shitty job and oblivious boss who unknowingly gave you time off to hop on stirrups at a moments notice. Two free samples of gani.relix. No severe side effects. Waking up alive after surgery. Follicles. Sperm. Jennifer the Embryologist for performing ICSI and monitoring our embies. Holly at the Women's Clinic and her uncanny ability to get the radiologists report to SRM in time for rounding. Marty the receptionist at St Mary's who "knows" but doesn't say anything and just smiles. My Girl Sarah, who kind of feels like a sister and not just a Fertility Preservation Coordinator. Paul Sherman, God's Left Hand Man.

This year, as in years past, we will celebrate Steaksgiving. Yes, you read that right. It always just been the two of us, me and Mike, for Thanksgiving. I never saw the point of doing the Full Meal Deal with just us, so we do the beef over the bird. Since my Dad is in town, we sprang for the really fancy butcher shop in town, Blue Valley Meats. The NY strips have been marinading for 3 days. I am going to relearn how to make twice baked taters, with a little help from the interwebs. And then they are going to drink a very fancy bottle of red wine, and I am going to be the happiest non-drinker in all of Walla Walla!

Gratitude is the memory of the heart. ~Jean Baptiste Massieu

Much love,
Elaine

tip toe

2011-11-22T06:50:00.000-08:00

Well, turns out the on-call physician said the levels look normal! No need to retest. Today, I will be scheduling an early viability ultrasound in Walla Walla for sometime the week of December 5th. As much as I would like to have the ultrasound done at SRM, I'm trying to stay positive and keep stress to a minimum. Holly has never done me wrong with the wand during follicular scans, and she's in step with my very retroverted uterus. And she knows how to work around Frannie the Fibroid's big ass shadow. I'm sure it will be just fine.

Right now, I am trying my best to just mellow out and not to think of it too much.

Heh!

Mike always teases me that I only have one nerve...one giant nerve. He would know--he loves playing ping-pong with that nerve!! Well that nerve is completely exposed right now. I am a pregnant infertile, I suppose I will be nervous until delivery. Its like I am having a reprieve of all the emotions I collected during this 4 year journey. Trying to protect myself from imploding but trying to celebrate each day for what it is.

Today I am a healthy pregnant woman.

Hallefuckinglouya!

Holy Bananas...

2011-11-21T11:27:00.000-08:00

As of 7am today, my levels were at 231!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so prepared for bad news, because it seems to follow me. But this is GOOD NEWS!!! My levels are rising appropriately. Once the on-call physician at the clinic reads my chart I will get further instructions. It will either be another test or an early sonogram...or both. I sure hope someone tells PDuds...

The bleeding has stopped and I feel normal, but I might puke out of sheer shock and surprise.

Clearly we are not out of the woods yet, but we are climbing the trees in excitement!

it doubled!!

2011-11-18T11:39:00.000-08:00

PDuds was hoping that it would show at least a 25% increase since we retook in one day versus the traditional 2 day retake. Today it was 41.15!!! I am still bleeding, but not as heavily as usual for a normal day 2 menses. Eugh, did I just say menses? That word is almost worse than 'panties'...

So maybe I am like your neighbors friends little cousin twice removed, and I am that girl who gets and stays pregnant despite the odds. Or maybe it's all your prayers and good thoughts. Whatever the hell it is, keep that shiz coming...

It's amazing what two days can do.

Pass the popcorn, this show ain't over yet.....

well isn't that nice

2011-11-17T11:09:00.000-08:00

I get one more day of roller coaster riding.

Beta is 21.

Retest tomorrow.

Until then, I will continue to bleed and continue to wade along being "a little pregnant."

My life is a fucking joke and I don't know how to laugh anymore.

Wasting away

2011-11-16T07:01:00.000-08:00

This all just has been too much. I have been forcing what will inevitably never come true. I have been living in a very expensive room in Denial. Now I have gotten myself so strung out that I can't even imagine the future without this dream. It is a very hopeless and scary place.

I am on my second unexpected day off and I am sure the office is thinking I have really lost my marbles this time. They aren't far from the truth. The truth is, I am not sure at this point if I will even go back to work. What is the point? I am working to pay a mortgage on a house that will never be filled with children. What is the fucking point?

Tomorrow is my beta. Another wasted $13.20. I guess it will be my parting gift, the very last needle.

I think

2011-11-15T12:15:00.001-08:00

I think I am having an emotional breakdown.

If I have learned anything

2011-11-14T11:57:00.000-08:00

It's that I am pretty in tune with what my body is telling me.

Right now it's telling me that it failed again and that I will never be a mother naturally.

I am no longer bloated or uncomfortable. The nurse said typically, when one experiences that kind of mild OHSS bloating, they usually stay that way thru the 10th week of pregnancy. My bloating is gone, so I am guessing my embryos are, too. This happened the same way last time it failed.

I also broke out in zits pretty heavily on my chest and back 2 days ago. The zits are gone. This happened the same way last time it failed.

With the exception of the night sweats, which are just probably from the prometrium and inevitable preparation for AF, I am listening to my body and it's giving me the same shit story of failure that it did last time. This cycle is over, I just know it.

I officially surrender. I am not doing this again.

Update

2011-11-10T16:46:00.000-08:00

Well, this is going to be brief.

The embryologist came in and said all of our embies still looked like day 4 Morula embryos. Five embies arrested, five were going to remain in culture and we transferred two of the best ones in the batch. She said she was expecting, based on their current development, that of the five staying in extended culture, we would likely only have one to freeze.

The actual transfer went very smooth. Clearly there were no polyps in the way, but I can't say that I am not a bit sad. Why weren't they perfect day 5 blasts like before?

They called yesterday and said we did only have one to freeze.

I am trying to stay hopeful, but it's hard. First beta is on the 17th.

Staying Positive

2011-11-08T08:29:00.000-08:00

I am one of those types that really believes that if you send out negativeness, the universe will respond in kind. Though the tail end of this cycle has been extremely uncomfortable, I have been focusing on the fact that it has also been fruitful. I could be in much worse shape. Had PDuds not switched me to an antagonist protocol, I likely would have clucked out another 38+ eggs and my OHSS symptoms would have been worse.

Instead, I had the tempered response that we sought. I am fortunate that of the 17 eggs they plucked, 13 were good and that 12 of them started to do their "thing" with some gentle ICSI-coaching. For all I know, I still have 11 babies in waiting. For that I am thankful. However, I can't seem to overlook how horrible today started! I am hoping that the universe is just fucking with me, and reminding me to keep my humor.

We went to be at 8pm last night. Early, I know. But my oven was tired and the hubbs was too. My nerve was shot (Mike is convinced I only have one nerve!), so I thought some extra zzz's would do a body good. Maybe even encourage me to poop in the morning, it's a stretch I know. It took me over an hour to fall asleep. Just as I dozed off, Ernie my 22 lb cat, came up for a cuddle. Normally, it's cute, but last night he was trying to cuddle on my bloated gut. I spent the next 20 minutes trying to push him off before finally falling asleep. Then at 1:45am, he was back at it. I preceded to doze of and on, waking about every 30 minutes thinking I had missed my plane.

Since we "fell back in time" on Sunday, I haven't gotten around to changing the timers on the lights. We have one on the dining room as well as the outdoor lights. Normally, the dining room light comes on at 4:45am, which is precisely 2 snoozes after the alam goes off. The idea being that I will be able to see where I am going when I get up to let the dog out. This is usually our households universal "get up" indication and all the animals start to rustle about looking for their first meal of the day. Since I didn't adjust the time with the end of daylight savings time, the light went on at 3:45 and Ernie was back on my gut meowing away. I had only gotten about 2 solid hours of sleep at this point.

He was insistent, nuzzling my face in a way that is normally very cute, but I had to exercise extreme restraint from chucking him across the room. I started with gently pushing him off, after a half hour I began to shove him. Then finally, I started to do the "bounce off", you know, where when he jumps on you, you roll swiftly at the same time and completely bounce him off the bed. He was not fazed. It was freaking annoying! I gave up at 4:20am. On my way to the bathroom, he cut me off and I almost toppled over on the dog....catching myself on the side of the bathroom doorway and stubbed my toe. The entire time I. Peed, Ernie stood in front of me meow/screaming. I was trying to stay mellow, I didnt want anything ruining the first day of my impending pregnancy...

On the way to let Greek out, Ernie trailing behind me screaming, I ran into the corner of the dining room table. So much for having the light on! Starting Greek's breakfast, I realized we left the chicken we were thawing out all night. Ahhhhh. In between four-letter words, stomping around and slamming doors and drawers, I fed Ernie. I'm not going to lie, I was yelling at him the entire time.

I managed to get in and out of the shower without incident, unless you count a little shampoo in my eyes...

Before getting dressed, I realized I needed to try on my VFW shirt and blazer so that I could pin on the location of my patches. Mike had agreed to take them over to the seamstress to have her expeditiously sew them on before Veterans Day on Friday. With my white button up shirt on and semi-damp hair, I ran half naked into the living room to look at our magazine to ensure proper patch placement, just in time to see Ernie vomit his freshly eaten (red salmon) breakfast all over the middle of our beige carpet. I nearly ripped off my shirt, ran for the spot bot that we bought just because Ernie has a penchant for doing this shit at the most inopportune times and places! While fetching the spot bot, I noticed all the front house lights were on, I was in my skivvies, and look! There goes my neighbor driving by my well-light window. Dammit.

I cleaned up the cat hurl and commenced to figure out the patches once and for all. The guys told me each one patch went under each breast pockets. Well, as it turns out, ladies blazers don't have breast pockets....well...because ladies have BREASTS! No woman with boobs wants pockets on their boobs! There was absolutely no place on my blazer to put said patches, lest I place them right over my ta-tas! My boobs are already too big, I dont need yet another reason for people to look at them. Realizing that I will look out of place compared to my fellow VFW comrades, I about lost it. But I decided...fuck it. I am the only goddamn girl in my Post. Therefore, I get to determine the ladies dress code. And I am the fucking commander after all.

Have I mentioned that I am still constipated?

Giving up on the patches, I started to print my boarding pass. I have a same day round trip from Pasco to Seattle and back, yet only my outbound boarding pass would print. Knowing I had made several airline booking mistakes in the last week, I started to hyperventilate a little thinking it was entirely possible that I may not have booked the return flight. More massive freaking out commenced as I nearly beat the shit out of the laptop trying to log into my Alaska Air account. Dint you just hate being in a rush and the Internet is slow and you type in your password wrong enough times to get locked out!? I universe was really fucking with me. Someone upstairs was having a good laugh at my expense.

I flat ran out of time to figure out why my return boarding pass would not print. I did locate my reservation that showed u did purchase the roundtrip, so I printed that.

I drove an hour in darkness from Walla Walla to Pasco. Set the cruise at 58 because I would be damned that I added a (another) speeding ticket to the mess that today was becoming. I think I cried for all but the last 10 minutes of the drive. I cry in the car alone slot, so it seems lately. But it feels refreshing. Being that I was almost 2 full hours early, I stopped at Roasters Coffee. I officially take my coffee black now, just so you know. I am sophisticated and stuff.

I found a relatively close parking spot in the long term lot. I was hoping to get close so that I didn't have to waddle my bloated and constipated ass to far. Plus it's cold outside. Closest spot was about a half mile back, no joke. Resolving to let that good cry in the car "restart" my day, I laughed at the universe! "So you wanna make my day miserable, Universe, we just you try. I am going to pick up my babies and ain't nothing you can throw at my direction is going to stop that or bring me down! So-fucking-there!". And I proceeds to sip on my sophisticated strong black coffee, and type this blog.

And then, about four paragraphs deep, I felt that once familiar rumble in my gut. Oh thank you black coffee! I waddled my happy ass into the airport, and though I am normally not an out-of-my-own-house kind of pooper, now was not the time to be picky! I will spare you the details, but suffice it to say, I feel about 8 pounds lighter. Take that, Universe!

Now, I am just waiting on the plane to arrive. It's not here yet and we are supposed to be boarding in 5 minutes. I am going to act like I am not worried about it....
I digress.

marking time

2011-11-06T13:28:00.000-08:00

I'm still not feeling really good. I'm just uncomfortable and not sleeping well. I toss and turn regularly, but tossing and turning with a bloated and tender abdomen is not so fun. We got up at 4:30 this morning because Mike had to be down at the bike shop by 5:30 to catch a ride with the team to the race in Moses Lake. I sure wish I was feeling better because I would like to go to more of his cyclocross races. They are the most spectator friendly, versus the road races that are upwards of 50 miles. But after last night, I just don't have much left for the weekend.

What was last night, you ask? Well it was our office's annual get together. The Corps of Engineers Ball. We went last year and it was a total riot. All of us planned to go again, but then several of our cool people decided not to go, so it was a bit lame. And it was more expensive this year. I had a semi-stretchy black dress that I wore. But honestly, I have gained a bit of weight over the last few months so I was really disappointed to see my reflection in the mirror. Being super self-conscious, even bloat and constipation couldn't convince me NOT to wear some shape wear. It was quite a sight seeing someone in my condition and shape squeezing into a onesie. But it tamed the rolls. Suffice it to say, I was even more uncomfortable.

Sundays are usually my favorite and most productive of the weekend. But I am just zapped. So I'm waiting on the call from SRM with the deets on Tuesday's transfer. I need to buy my flights. Other than that, I've done a few loads of laundry and am just laying low. I've actually got....football on tv! Shocker, I know. Seahawks got creamed by the Cowboys. Now the Chargers are beating the Packers, not that I care one way or the other. It's just background noise. I'm hoping it will lull me into another nap.

"Blast"ing off to a day 5 transfer!!

2011-11-05T12:05:00.000-07:00

Holler-frecking-loo-yer!!!

SRM just called. She didn't have much information from embryology--in terms of how many embabies made it through the night--but she did say we are doing a day 5 transfer! Usually that is good news, because if several arrested over the last 36 hours, I am almost certain they would have me in for a day 3 transfer instead so as not to risk losing any more. But looks like they are going strong in culture and I pray we will have at least 6 beautiful blastocysts by Tuesday. Here were our first two blasts from September 2010. I'm praying that my uterus is much more inhabitable now that we've evicted Polly, Paul and Peter Polyps.

I will get another call tomorrow with a transfer time. Just hope that it works with flights in and out of Walla Walla. Really hoping to avoid driving to Pasco, but I will do it!

Now, if I could just poop. OMG.

Still Uncomfortable....

2011-11-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

I am not quite sure how I got thru a full day of work yesterday. I woke up feeling extremely bloated but having missed 3 days of work, I was feeling the need to get back on track. It's also hard to justify staying home when I sit on my ass at a desk all day anyway. Getting up to go to the printer just took me a lot longer than usual. Trips to the potty were annoyingly slow. I am regularly teased for being a fast walker, so a few people noticed that I was moving slow. I lied and said my back hurt after a killer ab workout. Not too far from the truth.

After work it seemed to get worse. I am not sure why. Even with the heating pad and vicodin and unobstructed access to the best spot on the couch, I still couldn't seem to get myself comfortable. My whole middle section is puffy. I can't suck in my gut to save my life. I am sure I have mild OHSS. Dr Google says this is normal for the amount of eggs retrieved, but if I start having a high fever, shortness of breath and stop urinating, then I should worry.

Mike is on a group bike ride for the next couple of hours. I am planning on taking up residence on the couch, eating Activia and drinking apple juice...because, well, the doxycycline is backing me up. I think it's funny that I didn't really have any side effects from any of the 3 injected cocktails...but give me a run-of-the-mill antibiotic and I can't poop! Being bloated and constipated at the same time, well that is just a special kind of hell.

Waiting for this afternoon to see how my embies are progressing!

Fert Report!

2011-11-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

Of the 17 eggs retrieved, 13 were mature of which they ICSI'ed them all. And from those, 12 fertilized!!!!

I will get a call tomorrow about the recommended transfer day. I am so happy! Keep growing embabies!!

another big day

2011-11-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

We get the fertilization report. I wonder what time. I hope it's before lunch because I am not sure I can wait much longer than that.

So the ride home yesterday was uncomfortable. During our first IVF, I was definitely uncomfortable after the retrieval. They got 38 eggs last time and I had a mild case of OHSS. On top of that, the post-surgery doxicycline made me constipated. I had trouble sleeping that night. Yesterday, though, I think the 5 hour drive made everything extra uncomfy. We only stopped twice and I only got out of the car once. I mean, not to sound trite, but I was feeling like I had given birth.

When we got home I made a small dinner of potatoes, shallots and broccoli. I was standing up maybe 20 minutes and moving very slowly but it took it out of me. I practically had to lie down to eat my dinner. I got so sore in my ab region that I had to take a vicodin. Normally that drug doesn't really do anything for me, but I think all the residual painkillers in me from the surgery were still doing their thing. I had a bad case of the spins for nearly 5 hours! It did dull the pain and the heating pad helped. I managed to get a great night sleep though I think it was because I was exhausted. I also bought us our first set of flannel sheets (the Martha Stewart luxury brand from Macy's) and they are so nice! Especially after sleeping on stiff hotel sheets.

Well, it's off to work I go although I really should stay home. I just can't justify it since it's a desk job and since I only worked one day this week so far. But I am going to take it super slow and not let anything get under my skin. And I am pretty sure my boss is off today so if it hurts too bad, I will just go home at lunch.

Happy Friday! Check back for the fert report!

Cluck cluck

2011-11-03T11:11:00.001-07:00

This hen done laid 17 eggs. I don't remember having this drunk feeling the last two times I was under anesthesia. Making our 5 hour drive back to the Walla. Gonna chase this pizza down with some vicodin. Fert report tomorrow. Thanks for all the support. Keep it coming...

as my luck out have it

2011-11-01T15:03:00.000-07:00

I am going to trigger tonight...9pm to be exact...but they told me this information 25 minutes after my preferred flight home had already departed. I actually watched it depart from a Safeway parking lot in SeaTac. However, I am on the 4pm flight into Pasco, which means Mike has to spend 2 hours in the car to come get me. And he will probably miss his group bike ride because of it. He is taking it like a champ though.

I have already booked our flights for Thursday for the retrieval at 9am. We arrive at 8am and need to be there at 830, so it's going to be tight. Probably going to have to take a taxi, instead of getting a car...

search & rescue

2011-11-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

&$?!@&',$)(;:&$$-//:;$&@&$?!(;:??!!!????!!!

Well I got poked this morning and am waiting on my estradiol levels which could be a number of hours yet. I was able to get seen in the Tacoma office, but boy do I wish I would have just gone to the main clinic downtown! My ultrasound tech had a lot of trouble finding my left ovary because Frannie's big ass was again casting a shadow. I even did the deep breathing techniques that Monica had me do yesterday when this same problem occurred.

According to yesterday's estradiol level, I am a candidate for a trigger tonight, but the linchpin is if I have at least 2 follies measuring 18mm. She really struggled to find two that were that big. How the fuck is this happening? She kept worrying about putting pressure on me down there while she was searching, and I flat out told her that she could shove the wand into my kidneys at this point and I wouldn't care, just find me two good goddamn 18mm follies already. So what is usually a 10 minute ultrasound became about 40 minutes. When I left, she thought she had found two. She said she would put in a not to the rounding doc to make sure they call me stat since they know my desire to get back home.

Here I sit struggling on what to do. I really need to get back home so I can get back to work so I can get paid and make my next IVF loan payment in time. But I have worked so fucking hard to get to this point in this cycle. I do not want to rush it. If they need me to stay, in will stay. I am exactly where I need to be. If my follies need another day to sprout, then another day they will get. I just got to stop giving a shit about my job.

Clinic just called, they did find 2 good follies, but they still want to see what my estradiol level is. Sheets, I thought it was high enough yesterday, wouldn't it still be high enough today, if not higher!?

What to do? What to do? I think I am going to check out, head north, sit at a cafe near the rental car joint and wait for word.

Why is everything so damn hard?

11-1-11

2011-11-01T06:23:00.000-07:00

I am a sucker for making wishes at 11:11 and stuff. So today being 11-1-11 is a good sign. I am channeling my Mom right now, she always loved All Saints Day, which is today. Not that we are Catholic, rather we are hardcore presbyterians. She just loved All Saints Day because she was a genealogist and it was yet another excuse to drag us to a cemetery or spend the day at the library digging up archives on dead folks. God, I miss her.

I stimmed, hopefully for the last time, last night. I have an appointment in a few hours and I am hoping the lucky date will mean that my follies are ripe, I can get a flight back to Walla Walla at 1pm, and come back for the retrieval on Thursday.

I didn't sleep for shit last night. There were text message pictures going around all night of my friends kids. That's all well and good, but obviously these messages were being sent to multiple people at the same time...and it seemed like each recipient felt the need to Reply All. Seriously people, just like on email, that feature should be used in severe moderation. As if it wasn't difficult enough to hear about how fun it is to have kids on Halloween, I don't know you and I don't need your fucking text message at 3:30am the night before an IVF appointment. Sheesh. Don't make Hulk mad!!

Off to breakfast.

well dayum

2011-10-31T15:21:00.000-07:00

As soon as I hit publish on that last post, Lindsay (My Girl Sarah's fill-in) called. Apparently I am doing option 1 and 3! Dayum! One more day of stims. If the follies have plumped up enough, tomorrow I will do an hcg trigger. Luckily, while I was already down in Tacoma, Lindsay called the Tacoma office and they had a sample of the gani.relix, but I still had to pay $100 for the hcg. At least I didn't have to drive all the way back up to Seattle, that saves me 35 miles worth of gas and the stress of driving the 5 again.

I got a room on McChord, only $46 and it's a suite. Hoping everything is back on track by tomorrow. If it goes according to the new plan, I will be able to be home on Wednesday and back for the retrieval on Thursday.

I put out a note to some local friends so hopefully I will see folks for dinner. But for now, me, the follies and big Frannie need a nap!

pre-retrieval part 1

2011-10-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

Again, getting to my appointment early helped! I was a full 30 minutes early and they called me back before I even sat down! Quick little poke, which I didn't even feel, and then I was in the back with my pants off! I thought it would be PDuds doing the ultrasound but it was my favorite tech, Monica. She has the best bedside manner, he even tells you when she is going to "turn" the wand. She had to do a lot of turning because Frannie the Fibroid was casting a big shadow on my left ovary.

I stopped counting at 10 on the left and 12 on the right. A few were 16 and 17, but I think they were hoping I would have some in the 20s. Monica set me up with a nurse after the exam. After reviewing my chart, they realized I don't have any gani.relix left. Since the E2 lab work hasn't been processed, PDuds doesn't know which way to go yet. Long story short: iwill probably be staying in Seattle tonight. Boo! I am still waiting to hear back to see if it will be either 1) another day of stims which means buying more gani.relix and going in for another u/s on Tuesday, 2) a lupron trigger tonight which means I will have labs done in the morning or 3) an hcg trigger which means I have to buy that tonight and inject it myself (ahhhh!), but then I can go home, work on Tuesday and have the retrieval on Weds, and vag progresterone instead of IM shots. Can you guess which option I am pulling for? I will give you a hint, it's #3!

While I am waiting, I have done a little stomping around my old grounds. I hit up Southern Kitchen on 6th and Sprague in Tacoma for the mist amazing breakfast I have ever had. Then I went to Tacoma Mall in search for some cute new pumps to wear to our company ball. So far I haven't found any, but I did get a new Fossil purse and wallet while on McChord AFB. Smokin deal, Frannie made me do it.

Thinking about finding a Panera Bread to get coffee and waste time on wifi while I wait for news.

Oh and my stuff is so full. I feel like a mother hen with a giant basket full of eggs. I just may start clucking any time now...

Bok
Bok
Bagock!!

Update

2011-10-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

So I was correct. The clinic doesn't need to see me until Monday...tomorrow. I was originally thinking that I would be having the retrieval on Tuesday, but we are doing a Lu Ron trigger, not hcg. If all goes well, I will trigger tomorrow then the retrieval will be Wednesday. Seeing how as of Saturday, I have at least 12 ripe eggs, I am hopeful that we will do a day 5 blastocyst transfer, which should be next Monday.

Just took the last dose of gani.relex and hoping all goes as planned so I don't have to buy more.

More tomorrow!

Adventures in Parking Lots

2011-10-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

So as I was packing yesterday, I figured that I should go ahead and prep a meno.pur because Mike was not making the trip out to Seattle with me. I find it hard to reconstitute that drug with only one set of hands. It's really difficult to keep the saline in the syringe using one hand to hold onto the syringe plumger, while yanking the bottle off of the q-cap. So I usually just hold the syringe while Mike pulls off the bottle, then I can easily just transfer it into the second vial containing the drug. I am glad I did...

I left the house at about 3:30pm. Getting out of Walla Walla and onto I-82 was no big deal, seems like I was ahead of Friday traffic. Since I have usually been shooting up at 7:20pm, I like to keep to the same time or as close as possible. I got past Yakima a little after 6 and was hoping to stop in Ellensburg to take my meds. But it wasn't even 7 by the time I got there, so I kept on. Turns out I had to go all the way on top of Snoqualmie Pass before I found a suitable place to stop. Needing fuel anyway, I picked the Chevron, paid thru the nose for gas ($4.05 a gallon), then used their restroom. It was the nastiest restroom I have every been in. The last person whizzed all over the seat then didn't even flush. Must've been a dude. The place was crawling with germs. The sink was so gross I couldn't even was my hands.

I got back to the car and used 5 alcohol swabs to wash my hands. Then I re-parked the car so that I was as far back as possible without being in no-mans-land. It was perfect, no one was around, so I put the dome light on and began pulling out my drugs. Since I always inject while I'm standing up, sitting down felt weird! Right as I pulled up my shirt, a big pickem-up-truck pulled next to me. I tried not to let it distract me, but I was clearly exposed. It was dark as night and I don't have tinted windows, so they could see right in the car. It was an older couple and I could feel the lady staring. Then I hear her, "Gerald, look, that lady is doing drugs..."

Great, just what I need! As if I wasn't nervous enough. It took a minute to get the meno.pur in, as it always does. It feels stingy, so I always take it slow. The coulpe was back so quick, probably repulsed by the state of the bathrooms, and they were there to witness me pull out the needle. I kept on as if they weren't still staring, but they were!! I reached for the folli.stim pen. Plunked a new needle on top, held the pen up so they could get a really good view, dialed it up to 200IU and let out a Frankenstein's wife-like cackle and in she went! Although I could hear there reaction, I'm sure old Bessie sai, "Oh my word..."

I was pretty sure she probably alerted the cashier to my parking lot antics, because i could see the cashier wrenching his neck to see out the window while still behind the counter. Being that i was the only car in the lot now, with my dome light on no less, i got a little nervous when i saw him on the phone. Luckily folli.stim is easy and it was done quick, I got the gani.relex package opened and inserted much quicker than I had the night before. As soon as the needle was in, I turned off the dome light and pushed it in as quickly as I could.

I relaxed for a solid 10 minutes. I felt fine, but I never stimmed and then drove before so I wanted to do a "systems check" before driving back down the mountain. As I was pulling out, I saw Johnny Law, country sherriff type pulling in the lot. Ha! So it appears the police response time on the mountains is about 12 minutes! Good to know for next time! Oh the joys of IVF and the stories it gives ya!

Well I am up early. Stayed on McChord AFB, or Joint Base Lewis McChord as they are calling it now. Only $46 for the room, though I am a good 40 minutes from the clinic. But I felt safe and comfortable here, so it's all good. My appointment is at 9. Thinking of going to a local greasy spoon for a nice breakfast. Mike has a cyclocross race in Walla Walla today, but I am hoping he will have cell service so that I can call him with updates. I don't know if I am staying another night or not. I am hopeful that I can drive home tonight and fly back on Monday or something. That would be ideal.

I will let you all know how the follie check goes.

Antagonist Protocol

2011-10-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

Started gani.relex tonight. Nothing like antagonizing my female bits a little more! I much prefer the Lu Ron protocol because it's easier and the needles are thinner. Though the gani.relex was pre filled, but the plunger was stiff and it kind of lumped up under my skin despite pushing it in really slow.

Wonder what i will feel like tomorrow. Seems I have delayed side effects. Two mornings with massive headaches. Hope the antagonist does further antagonize my head.

Tomorrow I am leaving for SRM after work. Hoping the 5 hour drive is a quick and uneventful one.

Greek Giraffe

2011-10-26T18:48:00.000-07:00

No animals were physically harmed in making this costume. Now the animals pride...well...that's another story! Just hope I'm home in time to Trick-or-Treat with him at our pet store!

meanwhile...

2011-10-26T16:10:00.000-07:00

Still waiting on My Girl Sarah to call with the E2 results. I also had my ultrasound and barring any different interpretation from the radiologist, looks like I have 12 follies on the right and about 9 on the left. If my memory serves me correctly, we are on track for a few dozen ripe ones come retrieval time.

But meanwhile, we had our first real frost in Walla Walla. Leaving for the office this morning at 5:50am, it was a balmy 29 degrees! So that means lots of cuddling, flannel sweaters for the dog and a nice spot by the fire for the cats.

Kind of hard to tell in this picture, but Greek's leg was on my lap. It was so cold in the house that Gidget didn't seem to mind, she jumped right up and laid on my legs. She was actually touching his foot for a good hour! This is a big deal if you know how sassy she is with him normally!

E2 update #1

2011-10-24T16:00:00.000-07:00

Had my first estradiol blood draw this morning. Level was at 43, which My Girl Sarah says is just fine. Staying the course with 200IU of folli.stim, and 75 IU of meno.pur. I told her that I probably won't have enough meno.pur to finish this cycle, but I didn't tell her about my slight disaster in mixing my first vial two nights ago! She said to wait until after the day 5 labs before we make a decision about ordering more because it might not be necessary. I love that she is uber conscious of my fiscal limits!

So far I feel just fine, although I got a pretty tough headache right after my injections last night. I think the Incredible Hulk is brewing inside just below the surface! LOL

That's all for now!

IVF #2, stims report #1

2011-10-23T15:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know who I thought I was kidding! I wasn't at all nervous or scared about starting stims this cycle. After the hundreds of injections, I had the "pro" attitude. That was, at least, until I started to open everything last night and actually prepare to inject. Then it was like I was a freshman all over again.

I started to prep the folli.stim first because...after all...it's an easy-peasy injection pen, right? But I didn't realize that I left a cartridge in the pen from last time (a full year and 2 months ago). As I carefully removed the cartridge, I was surprised to see there was a good 150IU left. Knowing it was more than expired, especially being that the rubber base was punctured well over a year ago, I kept the vial anyway. It's like $50 worth of liquid, not that I'm going to use it. I just need a good place to dispose of it. Anyway, let's just say I fiddled with the pen for good 10 minutes before I opened the instructions and was able to load the new cartridge correctly.

Once the pen prep was done, I was back to my confident self so I reached for the meno.pur. This is the injection I dislike almost more than PIO because it has a bit of a sting--not when inserting the needle, but when actually injecting the medication. Prepping it is not as fun either. It's the kind that needs to be reconstituted.

One vial has the saline and the other had the drug in powder form. You have to remove the needle on the syringe, screw this special cap thing onto the syringe, push the cap into the vial with the saline, suck up the saline, remove the syringe/cap from that vial, push the cap into the other vial, insert the saline into the drug, swirl it around ever so gently, flip it over and suck up the drug/saline combo into the syringe, remove the special cap, screw on a new (thinner) needle...and then inject.

So there I was, thinking I could handle it on my own. The saline solution vial contained 2ml and I proceeded to get the solution into the other vial. As I began to fiddle with removing the top, I realized I needed another pair of sanitized hands. I yelled for Mike. Once I had him holding the syringe-cap-vial combo, I thought to myself "damn, I don't remember injecting *that* much meno.pur last time." And then my heart began to pump, my knees went a little weak and my thoughts raced. Ugh oh, I don't think I was supposed to dilute with all of the saline...

I thrashed about my mini-pharmacy cabinet in search of the instructions. As I sped thru the pictorials, I saw that I was only supposed to dilute with 1ml. DAMMIT! Being that there is no way to reverse and undilute, that was a $45 mistake! I was already short meno.pur, so now I'm going to have to order another vial to make it thru next week.

BLERG!

Well, I injected the meno.pur first. Mike stood and watched as I got into my football player stance. I took a deep breath. Okay, it was more like 8 deep breaths. Although it doesn't really hurt to inject under the skin, it is kind of against human nature to impale oneself! I had to really mentally prepare myself and it was really a piece of cake--didn't hurt at all. But the folli.stim was a bit stingy.

All in all, the whole ordeal took about 25 minutes. I retreated to the couch with a small bowl of Ben & Jerry's Boston Cream Pie flavored ice cream. I barely finished it when I felt a wave of exhaustion fall over me. We rented the movie "Cedar Rapids" from on-demand and I kind of fell asleep at the midway point--roughly 9pm.

We crawled in bed around 10pm and I was suddenly awake thinking about how wild it is to be doing the injections again. When I was back in Indiana this past January, I had my good friend and Registered Nurse, Jen, give me my first PIO injection. Since she had just finished all her clinicals and training, she was very inquisitive about the whole process. As I pulled my bag of needles out and got everything prepared, she looked at me and said, "man this is wild that they let you do this on your own!". Since I was so immersed in the IVF process, until she said that, I didn't really think of it that way. I was eating, breathing and sleeping the whole IVF protocol. It didn't seem out of the ordinary to me, but I could see how someone who wasn't involved with it everyday could see it that way.

But these last few months have all been about polyp removal and recovery. Before that, I was doing a frozen cycles, so there were no stims. Just easy-peasy lup.ron shots, estrogen stickers and PIO injections--all of which were "pre-mixed" drugs requiring really no extra thought on my part. But here I am again, doing the full blown cycle. Having stepped away from it for a year--it really took me aback. I'm like...mixing drugs and injecting them and stuff. It's kind of a big deal. Aside from the plethora of side effects already inherent in taking them, I could have a major malfunction. I could over dilute or under dilute, I could overdose, I could not get something clean and get an infection. Or I could simply have a bad batch of drugs and not even know it. It's wild. It's really wild.

At the end of the day, I'm still very serious about it. I cut a lot of corners in my daily life and I joke around a lot, but I'm overly cautious during each cycle. Everything aside, it's still really just a sophisticated science experiment...on my body. Maybe the nerves are getting to me, but I laid in bed awake pondering this whole issue for a good few hours. During IVF #1 and FETs 1 & 2, I never once had a single reaction/side effect to any of the meds. Okay, I did get a little constipated on the post-retrieval antibiotics. And maybe, just maybe, I was a wee bit emotional during stims last time. But nothing out of the ordinary whatsoever from injections!

There is so much potential for things to go horribly wrong. Be it now or a long time down the road in my future. It's kind of a gamble and I just really hope it works this time. I really hope.

Oh dear god

2011-10-20T19:10:00.000-07:00

Something tells me this is going to be an emotional cycle.

Today was my first day off the Pill. It was 50 degrees this morning on the ride to work. I was pitting out my sweater before we even got to the office.

Since I was out yesterday, I walked into my cubicle this morning to a stack of papers on my chair. Like my inbox wasn't good enough.

When I logged in for the first time, I literally had more phone messages than I had emails. I didn't know that was possible.

On the way home for lunch we noticed a noise coming from a tire. It sounded like a rock might have been stuck in the tread. Turns out it is a nail.

Coming back from lunch, my computer wouldn't log back on. It took 2 hours and 2 different IT techs to fix my issue.

When I was finally able to get work done on my computer, I sent my boss a document for him to sign and approve. He said it was great, but it took him 2 hours to finally get around to signing it. He didn't even notice that I stayed 2 hours late to get said document signed.

While I was waiting for the document to get signed, I got so worked up and upset that I started to cry. And a coworker saw it. I am so fucking embarrassed.

But I came home to a box from Amazon and a perfectly full bottle of wine that I am currently attempting to empty.

Last BCP

2011-10-19T07:05:00.001-07:00

Took the last pill today. On to bigger and better things this weekend! NEEDLES!

day care

2011-10-17T19:10:00.000-07:00

So we found out that Greek did just fine. Our friend Kathy recently rescued Daisy, a boxer, from an aging woman who had planned to put the dog down for no reason. Upon taking Daisy, she did some investigating around town to local vets and doggie day care joints. At the Haute Dog, she was told that they were always instructed to not let Daisy into the day care area with other dogs because she is "vicious". We've been quickly learning that, while Daisy does exhibit some leash aggression, she is a great dog. A bit of a rough player, but a good dog.

Since Kathy knew Greek was going to be at day care today, she took Daisy to day care since the two of them are familiar and could play together. Kathy went over and checked in to see how they were doing. She went out with them to the potty area and Greek began to whimper. Daisy went up to the whimpering Greek, put her head on this chest and started to nuzzle it! How sweet is that?! Usually Daisy doesn't let Greek get a minute of rest when we met for play dates, so this was something!!

When we got Greek home, he ran to the food dish and gulped down water. I filled his bowl with kibble and didn't think twice about eating it. Snarfed it right down. Then he went outside and laid in his grass and rubbed his muzzle around, as if he had been gone for weeks! Then he came inside and has been in a deep deep sleep ever since. I don't think he's moved a whisker. He's even got the super tired floppy ears going on...

It's like he's saying, "I was so worried, I didn't sleep a wink!" but I know this dog too well. I'm sure he slept just fine, after all, stressing out makes one tired. I would know.

Glad we are all back home.

Green Light!

2011-10-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

Just had my appointment! There still is a polyp but it is only 5mm and did not affect his ability to do a mock transfer.

HOLY SHIT, looks like we.are.finally.moving.forward!!

Driving home from Seattle now, stopping for some grub then picking up the Greek dog!

Finally some goddamn good news!

here we go!

2011-10-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

Heading out to Seattle this afternoon. Get to check in with PDuds tomorrow at 10am. A little nervous--concerned that the polyp has grown and/or multiplied--and hopeful that I don't turn into a low blood sugar beast before I find out if surgery is a go or not. It's going to be a long day tomorrow.

But I still have today. It's rainy and cool which is perfect scrapbooking weather. I've got a lot of balloon pictures and memorabilia calling my name! Hoping the clouds break at least for an hour to let the Greek dog get in a good stretch.

Happy Sunday!

me, the dog and the bus

2011-10-14T15:52:00.000-07:00

Yay Friday! What a week, even if it was only four days long.

Mike is off to Tacoma for drilllll. Ug. That means I'm driving the blue bus. It's not that I don't love the bus, it just is not the prefered mode of local travel. Especially when the weather starts to get funky--like it is supposed to this weekend. It just takes time to warm up and lets face it, ya just don't get real far real fast in that thing!

On the flip side, Greek loves it because he can move about in it so much better than in any of our vehicles. I imagine that we will be hitting up the dog park today and tomorrow. I also have a membership drive and Poppy drive for the VFW tomorrow and Sunday a few local grocery stores. I'm hoping that he will be a good sport and go with me.

I'm flying to Seattle on Sunday and we are putting Greek in the Haute Dog instead of taking him to Verlynn's. He's been picking up too many bad habits at her house so it's time for a small change. He's probably going to be really pissy about it, but the flip side is that when I pick him up on Monday he will realize how good he has it at our house--and perhaps the most important thing is that he will eat his food when he comes home. Lately when we pick him up from an over-nighter at Verlynn's, he won't touch his food. She might be comfortable catering to picky-poo dogs, but we are note.

Anyway, hoping it is a nice weekend!

TRIP REPORT: 40th Albuquerque International Balloon Fiesta

2011-10-10T14:31:00.000-07:00

Wow! What a weekend.

So we left on the first flight out of Walla Walla on Thursday, October 6th. We had planned to get up at 4:30am but I was wide awake at 3:55! Funny how I don't have a problem with being overly sleepy when getting up for something I love, when I get more sleep the night before work and have a hell of a time waking up!

We got to Seattle without incident. Nice easy flight but no view of Mount Rainier. Mike grabbed a breakfast platter at the airport and I sat watching the weather channel to assess the conditions in New Mexico. Our first (free because of miles) flight was to Dallas. Just about 4 hours. We watched the movie Bridesmaids on the iPad. It was definitely funny, but also a little sad and dramatic. But all in all a good flick--glad I rented it because it made the flight go quickly.

Arriving in Dallas, we had just enough time to pee and for Mike to grab a coffee. The flight to Albuquerque was oversold--I started to freak that they would try to bump us! The flight was just over an hour. Checking the weather it looked like it was cold and rainy. Boo!!! I was trying my best to be optimistic but deep down I was growing concerned that our trip would be a bust.

We arrived in Albuquerque at about 4:45pm. The balloon glow was scheduled to start at 7pm. We hopped the shuttle to Hertz and picked up our Toyota Corolla--which would later be dubbed the Crapola. After consulting the TomTom, we realized that our hotel was on the way to the Balloon Fiesta park, so we figured we'd still have time for a quick check-in without getting trapped in balloon traffic. The fact the weather was breezy and damp kind of helped that decision too.

We checked into the Holiday Inn Express off of Yale Blvd. Not the best neighborhood, but not the worst either. The hotel was brand new (didn't know that when I booked it). Found out the free breakfast started at 6:30am and was surprised they didn't tweak their hours for all the balloonists in town. Oh well.

We got bundled up and high tailed it to the park. I was getting text message updates from the Balloon Fiesta organizer and it wasn't looking good. The fact they weren't charging for parking was not a good sign either. Walking into the park was still exciting though. There were people walking around in all kinds of balloon garb! Seeing the mass of balloon garb vendors was a nice consolation prize for me, especially after they announced they would not being doing the balloon glow. FYI--Balloon Glows were "invented" at the Albuquerque Balloon Fiesta--and it's where pilots inflate their balloon and stay grounded while flickering their lights once it is dark out. It's a real sight.

Since the glow was cancelled, we found some grub at the park. Mike had a Navajo taco with green chilis (a NM local harvested fave) and I had a Philly cheese steak sandwich--so much for sampling the local fare, huh? : )

We walked around with hot cocoa and coffee and Mike let me pop into any vendor booth that suited my fancy. God love him! There were a lot of booths! We eventually made our way over to the "official gear" station. Turns out it was being manned by the local Presbyterian church. Having been raised Presbyterian, I actually tried to play that card for a discount--to no avail! Hey--a girl can try! I did land a nice patch with a velcro back--which is actually a pilot's patch. I plan to use it on the next jacket I make for our Greek dog. I also got two pins--a night glow and a dawn patrol. I'm a pin-holic, but I bought these particular ones hoping that it would bode for good weather the rest of our trip and that we would actually get to see a glow and night patrol! I also got an official program--because that's what Suzanne always taught me to do! Also got a nice pottery mug and 2012 calendar!

We called it an evening around 9:00pm. It had been a long day of travel and we wanted to rest up because we just knew the balloons would fly early the next morning....even though the forecast wasn't looking good. We stopped at a liquor store near our hotel for a sixer of local IPA (Marble Brewery) as well as a local bottle of wine--a syrah but I forgot the name and the cork! Doh! We were in sleeply land before 10:30pm.

I set the alarm for 4:30am, but actually awoke at 4:00am on Friday. What can I say, I was stoked! I ran to the window and threw open the sash (lol) and found rain (booooooo). We showered and dressed and headed out anyway....but not without a stop at Dunkin Donuts first (we don't have any Dunkin in Washington). Got two coffees and two donuts--but they were out of my favorite Boston creme. Two strikes--first the rain then no fave donut? I was starting to feel like Alexander and desperately trying not to think that this was going to be a terrible horrible no-good very bad day! But Mike was being a champ and he keep our spirits high---I'm sure the coffee helped too! Ziiiiiing!

We were early enough to beat most of the traffic. Mike was manning the wheel--which was a good thing because New Mexico drivers are horrible tailgaters and no-letter-inners! They do not merge well with others! I was obsessively refreshing NOAA's radar and checking AIBF's facebookAIBF finally announced the decision to close the field for launching but pilots were allowed to cold inflate and tether. Since we didn't see any crews hustling to inflate and tether, we made the executive decision to leave. : (

Back in the car, we headed to a little hole in the wall diner called Sophia's. It was featured on an episode of Guy Fieri's "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" just a few days before we left Walla Walla. Mike loves Guy, so this little eatery was on the top of his 'must-visit-list'. It really was off the beaten path and it was a TINY place. Fortunately, only one other trio was there so we had choice pickings. I wish I had taken some pictures, but I was feverishly checking the radar in hopes the evening glow would be a go! I ordered the breakfast quesadilla and Mike had the breakfast taco--with green chilis again! It was a slam dunk! Hands down one of the best breakfasts we ever had!

I saw updates on AIBF's facebook that balloons were inflating so we decided to head back. We parked at the balloon museum and walked over to take a peek. Just a few balloons were inflated but it was still nice to see. It wasn't long before the rain started yet again, so we walked over and bought admission tickets to the museum. We strolled around the museum looking at all the old ballooning gear--it was pretty neat. They even had the gondolas from the first trans-Atlantic balloon flight. It was pretty cool and a nice way to thaw out the cold wet feets.

Having been up since before the sun, we headed back to the hotel for a nice long nap. Our room was a suite with a kitchenette and big luxurious king size bed. After a few hours snooze, we got up and went in search of some more diner food. Since the hotel was just off the historic route 66, we had driven by the 66 Diner a dozen times. The free local tourist newspaper had voted it the best milkshake in town, so I made it my mission to investigate that. We dropped in just in time and got a table in the back. We ordered sodas which came with the authentic old school shaved ice. It was tasty!

I had a half chicken salad sandwich with the special soup (southwest corn chowder) and Mike had a BLT and the soup as well. It was a great late lunch--the soup had that great chili kick so we split a milkshake to calm the tongue. Boy was it good!

We headed to REI next because they were having a sale and we needed some sort of seating at the fiesta. They had a few picnic tables and some bleachers, but they were either wet or completely taken. We got those mini tripod stools which fit nicely in our backpack as well as in our carry-on luggage. Those turned out to be the hot ticket because they were light, easily portable and so handy! When you do a lot of walking around it's nice to be able to pop out a small stool and take a sit!

Anyway, the weather was still not looking good, so we thought we'd wait it out at Marbles Brewery. Mike ordered the double IPA and I got the red ale.

The place was packed but we got there just in time to snag a table. Mike had a second round and we split an order of chips and queso. The place had free wifi so I was steadily checking the radar. It was still overcast and a bit drizzly. This night was supposed to be the special shapes rodeo glowdeo...but according to the weather it just wasn't in the cards. They ended up cancelling the event due to wind and rain, so after enjoying the fresh brew we went back to the hotel. I can't say that I wasn't starting to get really bummed--I had waited a full year for this event. The week prior they had great weather and even set a world record for getting 375 hot air balloons launched in one single hour! I was feeling crushed....but the weather for Saturday morning was supposed to be great! I crossed my fingers and toes and went to bed.

I woke up from a weird balloon-inspired dream at 3:30am. I could not hear the sound of rain trickling outside, so I ran to the window and was surprised to see a big huge harvest style orange moon hanging big and low! The sky was clear!! I flipped open my iPad and NOAA was showing clear, calm skies! There was no turning back now! I jumped in the shower and we were out the door at half past four! I had pre-purchased admission to the Fiesta's Gondola Club for this day! It came with VIP parking, a pin and coffee table book for each of us and admission into the VIP tent with a full gourmet breakfast buffet....and free booze!!! Plus, there was a golf cart shuttle that took you from your car to the tent. We didn't need the shuttle because we were literally the first gondola club members there that morning!!

The rain the night before pretty much waterlogged the entire launch field as well as the inside of the gondola club tent...but it didn't matter!

The winds were calm and the skies were clear! We ate a fabulous breakfast, drank extra coffee and then headed onto the launch field. We saw a few test balloons get released and could tell by the way it floated that the upper air patterns were moving swiftly. They did launch about 3 balloons for the dawn patrol. They rose steadily but then moved quickly to the south. There was snow on the Sandia mountains nearby and many of the locals said that was nearly unheard of this time of year. As day broke, AIBF text messages still seemed promising but hardly any crews were out unfurling their balloons. I was starting to get really down--finally no rain but now mild winds were thwarting another mass ascension!

Mike and I resorted to the champagne booth in the gondola club. We figured we might as well get ourselves into a better mood in case they did cancel again!

Just as I was enjoying the first few swigs of my pink bubbly, I got a text from AIBF and the launch field was open!!! Almost instantly you could hear the sounds of the gas powered industrial fans start chugging away. Balloons were inflating left and right! Before we knew it, the official fiesta balloon had launched with Old Glory!

We chugged our champagne and sprinted for each and every opening balloon. Mike found a hand dyed (and sewn, we think) balloon. It was from Colorado and was called the Flying Fractal!

Next to it was an American flag inspired balloon with a really nice crew member who let me get an up close and personal view of the inflation! There must have been a few dozen that hit the skies within just a few moments of the field being opened for flying. It was an incredible sight and so hard to describe. Even the best of our pictures cannot do it justice.

We must have watched at least a few hundred launch. There were still dozens of balloon teams that didn't appear to be flying though--likely because the ones that were moved quickly in the air. I was grateful to each crew that launched because it probably wasn't the most ideal conditions but it sure looked nice for those of us on the ground! Towards the end of the mass ascension, the Navy had their parachute team, the Leap Frogs, do a drop. At one point 3 of the 4 jumpers linked up and did this really cool formation while the remaining jumper brought the American flag into view. Mike and I sat and watched as all the inflated balloons floated out of sight. I *think* we may have had a few glasses of champagne!

Once all the balloons were out of view, we headed back towards the belly of the fiesta. I had been planning on attending the Pin Trading event. The official website didn't really say how it worked, so I just imagined a booth where people who wanted to trade pins could meet up. It took a few laps and a few fiesta volunteers to finally steer us to where the trading was to commence. We got there just in time to be the 3rd in line. Turns out pin trading is much more organized. Those who wanted to blind trade stood in line, those who wanted to hustle went in another. As I stood in line, I could see that this was going to be much more of an "event" than I had thought. There were some serious pin people turning up with official pin bags--like the Trapper Keeper for pins. Cloth binders with cloth pages. The Geek flag was flying and I actually got butterflies!!

Once the event was open, we got handed our free Pin Trading event pin!! Ha!! That's when I made sure that Mike appeared to be a trader, just so I could get a second free pin--which I would later trade for a coveted 40th commemorative pin! The deal was this--they had a cork board with "starter pins" which were pins the event provided from donors. Most of these pins were previous Fiest pins with a few other random ones thrown in. You handed the coordinator your pin for a trade then he let you have the cork board all to yourself for a total of 1.5 minutes. In that time you had to pick your pin before they pushed you out. You had to get back in line each time if you had additional pins to trade. I went through the line five times and had Mike go through twice. I actually had to retrade one of the pins he selected--who wants a turkey shaped balloon pin? LoL, sorry dear! I ended up with some really great pins--my favorite being the Fruit Loopin' one!

Later on Saturday, we headed to old town and did a little gift shopping. We even visited the old Catholic church which still holds weekly masses.

After old town, we went to Standard Diner which was another one of Guy's recommended places. Mike had the chop salad and I tried their version of the southwest corn chowder. It was close but I think the Standard Diner's chowder was a bit better! Again, having been up since before the sun, we headed back to the hotel for a mid-afternoon nap! It was nice to be warm and dry! We slept for about 3 hours then headed back over for the magic night glow. The weather held up just nice and there must have been a few hundred that inflated and flickered their lights!

Afterwards there was an impressive fireworks show. We managed to get out of the parking lot, even after having parked nearest to the entrance gate, and were back at the hotel enjoying a nice evening beverage!

Sunday morning came fast! The forecast was so great that my excitement was my alarm clock at 3:30am--plus the hippo living in the room right over us made sure we didn't oversleep! There was another great big harvest moon in the sky--just a bit fuller though. We didn't have Gondola Club tickets this morning, so we hit up Dunkin Donuts on the way in. Dawn Patrol was even cooler. There were about 12 balloons that went up and they floated beautifully slow and effortlessly. It was a great sign--upper winds were calm and the legendary "box" was in full effect.

The "box" is what locals refer to the typical air pattern in Albuquerque. There's a layer that moves you south, then if you ascend a bit more, it will move you north again. Essentially, it allows the balloons to float the entire field before the air recirculates them for another pass across the entire field. It was simply majestic. I lost count of how many balloons were in the air, but my guess is somewhere close to 350.

The way they just hovered was particularly breath taking. We must have snapped a million pictures (in total for the weekend it was more like 743 pictures) but at one point I just had to put the camera down and take it all in. Simply the Greatest Show Off Earth, as was the aptly named theme this year. Since our flight boarded at 11:20am, we still had to drop off the rental car and hadn't eaten breakfast, we hit up...none other than....the Waffle House!! I almost got my hash browns smothered and covered, but decided to just get them plain! It was so tasty!

We hopped our flight to Dallas in no time, but narrowly made our connection from Dallas to Seattle. It was a bit much stress for this girl, but not having hours worth of boring layover time, it actually made the trip pretty quick. The flight to Seattle was just shy of 4 hours and we watched their free viewing of Water for Elephants. It was really cute--I dig anything with Reese Witherspoon! We arrived in Seattle to rain---blerg---rain! Spent an hour at a pub in the airport before grabbing our plane to Walla Walla.

We were so excited to pick up Greek! Verlynn opened the door and he came barrelling out, tail-a-wagin'! What a great weekend! So glad we went--it was the perfect amount of time away! And because today is Columbus Day, we have had it off to relax and reset for the week ahead!

Hello Again

2011-10-03T17:42:00.000-07:00

Now that we are in a new fiscal year at work and (hopefully) our next IVF cycle is on the horizon, I plan to get back into regular blog updates. It's just been too busy and too run-of-the-mill these last few weeks that I have not had much to type about. Crossing my fingers that is about to change!

So, let's see...what's happened over the last few weeks.

Well for starters, as I mentioned, we are in a new fiscal year at work. I've done more overtime in the last month than I think in all my life. I finally got my biggest project to-date awarded. This one was well over a year in the works and I'm so glad its done. Well, the acquisition portion is completed, but now the real "fun" begins. Good luck to my homies in Construction Branch. lol

Fall is finally here in Walla Walla. We've been able to leave the windows open pretty much all weekend and every evening. There's just something rejuvenating about fresh air. I also love to hear the sounds of life outside. Birds, crickets, even the occasional car driving by.

We celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary on September 18th. It was nice that it landed on a Saturday--especially since I am not allowed to take vacation in the month of September. We heard a local winery, Three Rivers Winery, was hosting their last "Movie in the Vineyard" that night. They were dog friendly to boot! Three Rivers has a 3-hole golf course on their property and it forms a natural amphitheater. Unfortunately, rain was in the forecast so they brought the screen set-up closer to their covered porch. The feature was Caddyshack--which I had actually never seen before! It was kind of ironic too because despite smoke bombs and poison bait, we've been having a huge gopher/mole infestation! Can't say I really liked the movie--it was that slap-happy dumb humor that I'm just not into--but it was nice to be out in the vineyard with my two best guys.

Mike's cyclocross race season has started. He had a race this past weekend. We drove up to Spokane right after work on Friday and camped out at Riverside State Park. Even took the Greek dog. Got in right after dusk, which made corralling the dog while setting up in the near dark very interesting. Luckily he's a well mannered boy and we were able to go leash-less for the most part. We had a nice little fire and cracked open a bottle of red wine. Finally got settled in and felt a few drops. Had just enough time to gather our stuff up and climb into the bus before it really came down. It was nice while it lasted.

I managed to get the left-hand spot on the bed which was next to our only back-bus operable window. Even though it rained pretty good, I was able to keep the window open and it was the perfect damp night air to sleep in. Mike wasn't so lucky. He didn't get quite settled before Greek jumped up to stake some real estate. Once the dog is down its hard to move him. Mike was pinned most of the night--but I slept great! ; )

We got to the race uber early. We were actually the first ones there--imagine that. Old habits die hard. The benefit of getting there early was the ability to have a nice space to park and spread out a bit. It got really sunny and HOT, which is surprising for Spokane this time of year. Mike's category didn't start until well after lunchtime but he was able to get a few practice laps in. Mostly we just people watched and I crocheted until his group started.

Cyclocross is kind of a cross between mountain and road biking. It's on natural terrain with hairpin turns and "obstacles". This one had an obstacle where they had to dismount the bike and run up a very steep hill (all while wearing biking shoes and while carrying their bike) after having biked hard for several miles. They did a total of 6 laps. So 6 times up that hill!

Mike did really good--though he experienced some technical difficulties with tire pressure. At least he didn't blow a tire as I heard many of them pop out on the course. He did take one good tumble--right in front of me actually--but fortunately it was onto a bed of decomposing pine needles and leafy debris. A rather soft landing! Better than a road crash where you break bones, can get run over and get road rash! My heart did break for him when I saw him fall...he's been working so incredibly hard at biking and training. But he stuck it out and made all 6 of the leader's laps. He placed 14th! Way to go hun!! I took my fancy high speed camera but only used the point and shoot--I'm lazy.

This week is a short one at work. Only Monday through Wednesday. On Thursday we head off to Albuquerque for the International Balloon Fiesta. I've been getting text message updates from AIBF and although it's cool to be in-the-know, it's making me extremely excited!! I've been tracking pictures on flickr and on the Albuquerque news stations. On the first mass ascension they broke a world record--345 balloons in the air within one hour! Can you even imagine what that has got to look like?? No wonder it's called "The greatest show off earth". I'm so freaking stoked! I can't wait to be there--I've never seen that many balloons aloft at once and I have never been to the Southwest!!! The weather is supposed to be fantastic, too. Brisk mornings, warm days and chilly nights! I am so looking forward to this little mini-vacation.

And if that isn't great--the Red Hot Chili Peppers just released a new album. It is fan-fucking-tastic! I sure hope they tour in a location that I can actually make. Like San Fran...oh...oh...oh! Give it a listen, the album is called "I'm With You".

Status of my Uterus

2011-09-21T18:40:00.000-07:00

PDuds reviewed the images and the radiologist's report of the SHG and he called me about it almost two weeks ago. I have just been so busy that I haven't had a moment to give a State of My Uterus speech...so here goes.

He started out very clearly by saying, "Elaine, your uterus is really frustrating me." I immediately thought of Tina Fey in the movie "Baby Mama" and I started to fear that he was going to tell me that I would never have children. Instead, he went onto say that, while he is surprised to see that there *might* have been another polyp develop after surgery, he was still very optimistic. He said it could simply be debris from the surgery. He went on to say how awful he felt that this was happening to me, and specifically "someone like you--who is so kind and compassionate".

So we made a plan with a built in contingency plan. He said with complete confidence that the plan is a plan that he believes in...and that he is giving me the best care that he can--the type of care that he would want for his wife, his sister or one of his daughters.

I knew Paul Sherman had kids...I just didn't know that he had at least two daughters. ANYWAY...

Mike has drill in Tacoma the weekend of October 15th. So I'm going over there with him. On October 17th, I will have a suppression check ultrasound and office hysteroscopy (OH). If during the OH he finds that it is a polyp *and* it has grown to over 1cm (it was 9mm on Aug 31st), then I will need surgery to remove it. We have already booked the OR for me to have another polypectomy that SAME DAY. And magically, I already have the OR booked for my egg retrieval--so there will be no lag time, either way the cookie crumbles. However, if it's not a polyp or the polyp has magically disappeared (probably because I've been swiggin' diet coke...just sayin'), then we will proceed with another full cycle!!!

I pray for the latter.

Update

2011-09-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

I need a Dictaphone. Seriously, I'm putting one on my Christmas wish list. I wouldn't mind being 'that strange girl' who whips out a recording device, shrinks off into the corner and starts talking to herself. I practically already do that now.
It's just that there has been so much going on in my life over the last few weeks that I don't even know where to start. There are so many tiny moments that I want to remember. But I've been so busy that I haven't been able to even jot notes down. When I say that I haven't had a moment to process it all, I'm not exaggerating.

Between work and the VFW, I am constantly on the go. Not that that is a bad thing, and not that I typically work like a maniac like I have been. It's just bad timing--so happens to be the theme these last four years...but in this instance, it just so happens that we are in the throes of fiscal year-end. And being in government contracting, some of our money "evaporates" or turns into smelly pumpkin terds at the stroke of midnight on 1 Oct. Let's be real, the Federal Acquisition Regulation already makes spending federal funds a dubious expedition, but I can assure you--spending smelly pumpkin terd money is not an easy affair either! But I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say that its been ruff, and leave it at that.

And everything else, well, it has been fucking wild. Wild, I sez!

As of this writing, I haven't had more than 9 hours of sleep over the course of this entire week. Considering I usually get 8 hours a night, that should give you an indication of my current resting heart rate and overall disposition. (wink)

Oh, and maybe nows a good time to confess that I'm no longer caffeine free. Yeah, there, I said it. After the polypectomy I was still steadfast in my commitment to ~~such self imposed punishment~~ to pursuing a healthy diet. But then when I had the SHG just a mere 2 weeks after the surgery (I say again, 2 weeks!!!), when we saw another goddamn polyp hanging out in my uterus, I said fuck it. The commander wants a goddamn diet Coke. And so on the 1 hour and 15 minute drive home from Kennewick after that SHG, I drank 48 ounces of that shit. I bought the cokes and it took about 12 minutes from the time I twisted the cap before I could take that inaugural swig. After all it's hard to just throw away 130+ days of discipline.

As asinine as it may sound, my rationale for throwing in the towel was that the reason I had polyps--and apparently the vigorously regenerating type of polyps--was, in fact, because my body was so damn discombooberated without the diet coke. Sure, it may just be a dumb theory to ya'll, but sometimes problem solving comes down to common denominators. When you extrapolate all the variables, the only logical conclusion I could come to was that the lack of diet-coke-like-substances created my body to revolt in the form of endometrial polyps. Just don't tell Coca Cola that, last thing I want is a national shortage on diet coke, like there seems to be on leuprolide. I'm just saying.

And while I'm being all honest and shit, I should probably admit that the first swig of diet coke tasted "off". Then again, defeat never really tastes good, does it? But I've been rolling around like a pig in shit since ending my caffeine fast because you know I didn't stop at diet coke. Hells nawh! I started buying stock in our local Dutch Bros coffee shack--medium carmelizer no whip thank you very much. And what timing because it's damn near autumn, and that means pumpkin spice lattes...and my current favorite: Salty Carmel Mochas. Oh meh gah.

I also have a status on my next IVF cycle, but I'll save that for tomorrow.

toodles.

good but not out of the woods yet

2011-09-11T15:46:00.000-07:00

So I did make it to Wags to Whiskers yesterday. I relayed Greek's ralphing incident to the two store clerks. Of course when I turned up there, Greek was bopping along as if it were just another great day to be a dog. When I told them his hurl was neon yellow, one of them said the only time she had seen that was when a dog ate rat poison.

Woof!

Well, the only poison-like substance we have in the house are the mole bombs. And those are in the garage--not a place Greek is allowed to be in while unattended. Plus, I'm pretty sure they are only dangerous when lit.

Anyway, they suggested this new brand called Acana which is made in British Columbia. It's all natural, free range and local ingredients. Apparently they don't even freeze there meats, its all made fresh. And guess what? It's super freaking expensive! SHOCKER! Just when I thought what we were already feeding him was the most expensive, guess I was wrong.

I only bought a 15lb bag--$35 (omg)--and I'm mixing it with his other kibble. On our early morning walk today, he had a normal bowel. Then right before we got home it was straight liquid--I know you wanted to know that! But lets be real, no creature on this planet enjoys diarrhea. And I'm not about to let my poor puppers suffer though it. I hope that it's just his innards adjusting to it and that everything will even out. But the his mid-day terd was just as soupy, so I bought a big can of pumpkin at the grocery store. He's getting pumpkin and kibble for dinner, and depending on how his terd is in the morning, he'll be eatting rice.

The good thing is, he's still a happy dog. Last time he had issues with his bowels, he was lethargic and inconsolable. He seems to be doing just fine.

Greek Dog

2011-09-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Ever since we picked Greek up from Verlynn's house--where he stayed while we were camping out at the Gorge for the DMB show--he hasn't really eaten. We take him over to Verlynn's regularly and we even go to the dog park together. She has a full size grey and an Italian greyhound. They all get along great. When he stays overnight with her, the first morning back with us he usually turns his nose up at his food. I thought it was because she feeds her dogs something else, and although we take his food over there, the dogs kind of swap food. I can't say I blame them--its like kids at the lunch table trading twinkies for lunchables.

Well on Tuesday morning after the long weekend, Greek turned his nose up at his food. We came home for lunch and it was still in his bowl. Gave him a fresh bowl and he picked at it. Same thing with dinner. And that has been the case all week long. I'm more than concerned. It's like he's on a hunger strike or something? He still gets excited when we come home, runs around in the back yard, plays with his toys and gets excited for walks and car rides. I have talked with some dog owners at work and they seem to think I just have a picky eater on my hands.

On our walk this morning, he was excited. Sniffy at things and walking with a sense of purpose. Things were going great and the temperature was just perfect--that brisk air with warm sun. So I decided to take him the long way towards and around the country club. As soon as we deviated from our normal route he started to act funny. He was beginning to walk slower and randomly stop. He usually does randomly stop--but only when he's got a sticker on his paw pad. I checked every paw--twice--nothing. We took a few more steps then I could see him licking his lips...a lot. Then he stopped again and began to attempt to vomit. I say 'attempt' because it was like his guts were forcing it up (it was loud) but he was clenching his jaw as if that would stop it from coming out. All that did was anger his guts--the chugging noise got louder--and whatever that was trying to come out was beginning to foam. When he finally did release, I almost upchucked--and I'm not usually a weakass with stuff like that either. But the foam was NEON YELLOW. And it looked painful coming out.

I was right by the country club house and thought to take him in for water or something. I was panicked. We still had about a 1/2 mile to get to home and of course there were golfers everywhere. I was positively frightened. I'm guessing what I was seeing was bile? Before this episode, he had two good poops and plenty of pees. My heart was racing, but I managed to get my poor rot gut dog home. I tried putting another couple scoops of fresh kibble out and he looked at me like I was crazy. Luckily, there was exactly one cup of plain rice left. It was the longest 20 minutes of cooking in my life. He gobbled it down. So fast, in fact, that I thought he might choke.

Our fancy schmancy pet food store opens in about an hour. I'm hoping there will be some kind of kibble I can try out that he will actually eat and that he won't be allergic too. He had nearly two months of colitis when we adopted him--it took us forever to find what we've been feeding him. Looks like it has run its course. If I find out that he's just being a picky poo, I'm going to be so pissed, but something tells me that there's something bigger at play here.

Overtime

2011-09-08T18:23:00.000-07:00

Was hoping to blog this week but have been working a lot of overtime. I truly don't understand how some people can work overtime all the time. I just come home and face plant. Speaking of........

Nite nite

Survived the weekend

2011-09-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

I love going to the Gorge for the DMB show. I guess I am just getting a little too old for the continual 3 day frat party that the weekend usually is. I just wish I was in a different place. And by that I mean I wish I was too pregnant for that shit.

But the weekend was good. Really good. The shows, in particular the Sunday night set list, was off the freaking chain! And I think the person I thought Berg was was actually another person. Berg was really easy going and quite funny actually. I just wonder who the person I really thouht he was actually is? We did much better on food and beverages this year. Not much left over and none wasted. Even had a few beers leftover. I didn't take many pictures but something tells me I won't soon be forgetting this year's show.

Still have laundry going and a crapload of cleaning to do.

Took my last active pill yesterday. Hoping that PDuds has my images tomorrow and we put a plan in place. But I don't even want to think about that right now.

I'M SEEING RED

2011-08-31T17:45:00.000-07:00

I cannot fucking believe it.

I cannot fucking believe this is happening to me. AGAIN.

Just got home from the SHG. Not only did I have a goddamn new ultrasound tech watching, but Dr Steak brought in a goddamn fucking medical student. Nothing like four more pairs of eyes looking at my hoo-ha.

AND THEN during the baseline, I saw the tech's eyes light up. I figured she saw my fibroid, my little fibroid which I named Frannie. She was 2cm last time I checked. Turns out Frannie has turned into Big Bertha at a whopping 9cm.

Had I not been spread out on the goddamn table, I surely would've hit the fucking floor.

Then Steak starts in on the exam. He couldn't thread the cather in my cervex. No shocker there. But then he put a clamp on my cervex. It felt like a really spikey roach clip and I did my best not to tense up. Cramping like a mo fo. I wanted to punch that fucking intern in the face. Something tells me I won't be good at childbirth--not that I think that it matters now.

I just kept thinking, it will all be worth it when we see and nice empty uterus.

And then the goddamn "ooohs" and "ahhs" started. I could've bitch slapped that fucking med student. He clearly still needs a goddamn education in bedside manner.

Needless to say, my uterus was not fucking empty. There was another polyp sitting there as snarky as could be, midway from my cervex to the top of my uterus.

I want some answers. I want a mother fucking refund. I want a fucking do over. I want to get off this fucking rollercoaster....

Shapowie!

2011-08-30T19:22:00.000-07:00

It has been a "shapowie" kind of month...

The term "shapowie" was coined by my hilarious cousin, Chelsea, during a family card game of Pass the Trash. You yell "shapowie" and slam down your card to block someone from passing trash to you when you have the wild card.

I just don't even know where To start with this month, this week, this horrible day...

I've been shapowied at work, mainly, but there have been some personal shapowies as well. I am even getting shapowied in my dreams.

But I will spare you that mess.

The one place I haven't been shapowied yet is at my mailbox...which...is, quite frankly, odd being that the first of the month bills should be arriving. Anyway, I was surprised to open my box the other day to find a lovely surprise from Christa at Fearlessly Infertile! She was giving away a bunch of fertility related books and I jumped at snagging a copy of her Budgeting for Infertility book. Thank you so much, Christa! A proper 'thank you' should be arriving shortly. I will be taking it along with me this weekend.

Speaking of this weekend, it's the Dave Matthews Band Caravan weekend at the Gorge in George, Washington!!!!!! We have been packing the bus, grocery shopping and making preparations! My good pal, Liz, from Portland is coming and my bud, Mo and his girl, Bri are coming from Jersey. They are also bringing along a fellow named Berg, whom quite frankly I do not like whatsoever. He is one of my brother's good friends, but you know what they say about first impressions...he did not make a good one. All I can say is that I'm gonna be in my zone and hopefully I don't have to do much interaction with him.

I am so excited for the weekend,to be seeing good friends, listening to my favorite band and snuggling with my sweetie in the bus.

Oh, I almost forgot! Finally got in touch with Dr Steak's airhead nurse. I have my SHG tomorrow afternoon. I will be posting from the iPad live from stirrups tomorrow so stay tuned!

plants, pins and hops

2011-08-25T18:58:00.000-07:00

Hops are doing really well this year!

Anyone know what they are supposed to look like when they are ready for harvest??

Hydrangeas are doing well...

And Maggie the little Magnolia that could...and can...and will...hopefully bloom once more this year...
She's had a lot of growth this year. Below is a picture of the longest branch of all new growth, it's almost three feet long!

But I just noticed this at the back base of the tree. I need to ask the nursery up the street what, if anything I need to do. I hope it's just getting big and that's how the base expands...but something tells me that the hole that is in there just isn't right... : (

And the key to growing raspberries, I have learned, is to completely ignore them. They just do their own thing. And this puppy has a lot of berries getting ready!

I stopped by the Chamber of Commerce and purchased some of the old Balloon Stampede pins. Because, ya know, the International Balloon Fiesta in Albuquerque in October has a pin trading event. I'm super geeked out by that! Just imagine all the new pins I can come home with. Sigh.

That's all for now.

Sonohysterogram

2011-08-24T11:31:00.000-07:00

Ug...after waiting over a week to hear back from Dr Steak's nurse, I finally got some info. The first appointment available is August 31st AT 2pm. That is the exact day and time that I have proposals due for my biggest construction project to-date! BLERG! I swear my middle name is Murphy! But luckily it looks like she has a 4pm appointment available just have to confirm with radiology.

It takes a full hour to drive to Kennewick, so I will have to get my proposals in and pretty much leave.

OMG nothing is every fucking easy.

Some days just suck

2011-08-23T16:21:00.001-07:00

Today is one of those days.

BLERG.

Walla Walla Grapehound Tour

2011-08-21T07:34:00.000-07:00

Welp--yesterday evening was the closing festivities for the Walla Walla Grapehound Tour that we hosted!

I have to start by saying that I'm a totally ninny when it comes to hosting events at our home. I get so worried that no one will show up, that it won't be a good time or that there will be some sort of an accident (stove fire, toilet explosion, etc.).

So when I first announced it to the group (GPA GNW), there was a lot of interest and most indicated that they would come in their RV's. So I more or less planned on most of the group eating functions taking place potluck-style at the RV park. I liked that idea because it took a lot of the pressure off of me to have the "perfectly cleaned house". Plus, that would force everyone to pitch in on the party organizing and I wouldn't be stuck in the kitchen while everyone relaxed with a drink after dinner.

Well once we started to firm up details about who was coming and when, it ended up to be only one couple at the RV park with the remaining two couples staying at pet-friendly hotels. That kind of scratched my idea to have potlucks at the RV park. Drats.

On Friday, I got home from work and pretty much raced over to the RV park with Greek. Sara and Helen were the first to arrive. Helen actually drove all the way from Salt Lake City that day, and Sara came from Renton. We hung out in her RV for about an hour and tried to make contact with the other two couples. We only got in touch with one--Sheryl & Jeanie. We made plans to have a potluck at our house at 6.

Greek really didn't know what to expect, but as soon as the doorbell rang he was over the moon. It was so cute to see the helicopter tail in full effect. He raced to the door to welcome everyone and then raced to the back door. If I were inside his head, I am sure I would've heard him saying, "Heeeeeeeeeey guys!!! Wanna come see my toys?!! I have a lot of toys!! Look at all my toys! Here--play with my toys!! Oh, have you seen my back yard? I gotta show you my back yard!! Look at how fast you can run in my back yard!! And look at all my back yard toys!!!! Oh boy oh boy I am so glad you are all here!"

I tried to take pictures of the meeting but it was just a blur of legs, tails and ears.

We had a nice potluck dinner. Mike and I made a 13 bean soup. Despite the fact it was the recipe on the bag of the 13 bean mixture--and only cost me $1.13--it was a huge hit! We spent the rest of the evening on the deck getting to know each other and each other's hound. It was a great night and a great start to the weekend!

Teny (High Tension) started to sniff around a beer bottle. No one thought he would drink it, but when Jeanie offered him a slurp of IPA, that hound drank it!

There were lots of greyt smiles!

And even some "rooing"...

But mostly, there was a lot of this going on...

In the morning we all met up at the corner of 1st and Main. As usual, I was extremely nervous. But once we were all set up and the farmer's market down the street was in full swing, we had a lot of foot traffic.

The first winery on the list was Walla Faces. I picked this winery mainly because the owners had a greyhound and an Italian greyhound. Once we got everything packed up, we made the four block stroll. We got to Walla Faces at 11am and found they didn't open until 1pm. I was instantly mortified. Every winery downtown opens by 11 and some even at 10am! But Mike saved the day. He saw Fort Walla Walla Cellars (which we've never been to) was open, so he ran over to see if they were dog friendly. They were!

After a few tastes, it was off to Walla Walla Vintners on the east side of town. But first, we had a bit of a mutt strutt...

Walla Walla Vintners is one of our favorites. They are situated right in their vineyard and upon entering the gate you are welcomed by rows and rows of fragrant lavender. They had a big tasting room and lots of foot traffic...which meant we did a little more greyhound ambassadorship and the hounds got extra loves...

The tasting room got pretty busy, so we took the poochies outside to the patio area. It was perfect! They had picnic tables and four beautiful shade trees and a view of the vineyard. Mike pulled the bus around and we unloaded the cooler and had a picnic lunch. It was mostly leftovers from the night before, with a few freshly made pasta salads...but boy those ladies were impressed. Well...so was I. It was just plan perfect!

We stayed there and relaxed with a bottle of Cuvee, enjoyed our lunch, and let the dogs lay around for about an hour and half. It was fantastic. We even had a few moments of off leash time with Greek.

Next stop was Tertulia Cellars on the south side of town. We took the back roads to get there so everyone could experience the country a bit. The dogs were pretty tired by the time we got tasting at Tertulia, and frankly, so too were the humans!

At 4pm we paused for naps all around and planned to reconvene at our house for another potluck around 6pm.

Mike and I ordered pizzas from Sweet Basil and Verlynn showed up with pasta, meatballs and bread sticks from Mama Mia's. It was one hell of a spread!

We ate and the pups lounged...

It was quite a sight to have that many greyhounds in our house, I had to go upstairs to get a picture of all the limbs and tails spread out on the floor!

Greek even got a little tongue...

Taliah was all ears for Greek...

Roxy even socialized a bit!

And the night wasn't complete until we "roo"ed a bit more. Verlynn had never heard Rocket roo, so this was quite a treat!

And then it was bedtime....

All in all, a greyt event! Everyone said they had a wonderful time! I was just pleased that everything went off without a hitch and mostly--that the dogs were able to get together.

Definitely doing it again next year. Probably in spring instead of the heat of summer!

It's the Walla Walla Grapehound Tour Weekend

2011-08-19T05:51:00.000-07:00

Folks from the west side will be arriving today. We are doing a potluck at the RV park and then pancakes at our house in the morning...followed by an info booth downtown...then wine tasting at dog friendly wineries. It's going to be a full weekend. I am excited, and nervous because I so rarely host things that I hope everything goes as planned! But mainly I am excited...for Greek. He has no idea that this weekend is all about him and his furry friends.

Blerg!

2011-08-18T16:14:00.001-07:00

It was just a really crappy day.

Well..would you look at that, part 1

2011-08-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

So I think I may have mentioned that I was interviewed by the local paper for an article about my taking command of the VFW Post in town. Well, yesterday I firmed up some of the article's details with the reporter and then today, I went into the office and one of our Project Managers walked by and announced "there's the COMMANDER" and began to salute me. She said she saw "the article"... and I immediately got red-faced because I hate the feeling of everyone looking at me. Then I got really confused because "the article" isn't supposed to be out until next Tuesday.

But that is besides the point. Mike witnessed the whole ordeal and snickered as my face continued to redden. This was, mind you, in front of my boss and several peers. I was really trying to keep that shit down low, I don't want anyone knowing anymore about me than they need to. Ya know? I don't want anyone to misconstrue my passion for veterans affairs and community service with me "trying to get ahead" in other areas of my life...says the reproductive failure.

I digress.

The news was well received though, for which my red face was ever so grateful. One of my peers, well she's really more like my mentor and my professional role model, was over the moon at hearing I was in charge of the Post. She said she had been involved in many a VFW post in "her day", and that a young vibrant presence at a Post is just excellent. Hearing her say that truly made my freaking day.

I just wonder what will happen when the full-meal-deal article comes out on Tuesday. Here's the little blurb that was in this past Sunday's paper that caused this lovely little ruckus!

"As Grant Farmer Post 992 Commander Elaine Vandiver says, what better way to kick off the Walla Walla Fair and Frontier Days than to participate in the post's annual Cowboy Breakfast?

Members of the post will host the community fundraiser at 102 N. Colville St. from 7-9:30 a.m. Sept. 3. Diners can fuel up on eggs, sausage, pancakes, juice and coffee for $5 per person. The parade will follow at 10 a.m. on a route through downtown.

Elaine is the freshly minted new commander, the first woman in this role for the post, according to the August-September Post & Auxiliary News. She and husband Mike moved to the Walla Walla Valley in 2008 for their jobs with the Walla Walla District U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. A former U.S. Army sergeant, she served with the 864th Combat Engineer Battalion based at Fort Lewis.

She deployed for 12 months in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom and the day war started in 2003, she crossed over the border from Kuwait into Iraq. Also an Army veteran, Mike currently serves in the Washington Army National Guard.

Elaine assumed the commandership from Fil Rivera, who had served the local veterans' group for several years with wife Paulette Rivera as the Ladies Auxiliary president."

So there ya have it. Part 1 of deux. Shall I finish with a giant "BOOOOYA"? Or is that a little too bold??

BOOOOOOOYA.

Back to Work

2011-08-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

So I dragged my ass into work today. It hasn't been too bad. Less than 100 emails to sift through.

My throat is feeling much better. They put a stint (shunt) or some such thing in your throat so that your throat muscles don't relax too much while under anesthesia and thereby affiliate yourself. So I guess I can't complain because the bleeding didn't last long and there really hasn't been any cramping down there. So for having my lady bits disturbed, all I have is sore throat muscles.

No word back from My Girl Sarah yet, but I'm sure I will hear something by Friday.

Still pretty tired, but I'm not sure if that's just general laziness or residual post-surgery snoozies?

Well, lunch break is about over so time to head back. Just a couple more hours left.

Plans!

2011-08-16T11:46:00.000-07:00

Well it s always good to have a plan and sometimes the plan doesn't happen as quickly as I would like. I've never really been that patient of a person anyway.

So after the procedure yesterday, PDuds came in to tell me everything went great. I asked what was next, what to expect for a follow up? He said we would need to check that everything healed properly. He suggested I just have that done locally, whereupon I gave him the double-arched-eyebrow look. He knows that I have no faith in Vandy here in Walla Walla. So he said he would hate for me to make such a long trip out here just for a five minute procedure. I had half a mind to tell him that I'm not beyond going to the ends of the earth for GOOD care, but i bit my tongue. Mike asked if there was someone that he could recommend in the Tri-Cities (Richland, Kennewick or Pasco). PDuds eyes opened up wide and het got a big grin!

GOOD IDEA MIKE!!

So he talked with My Girl Sarah and she started making connections. God I love that girl. One of the few administrative types I have ever met that is proficient in getting the job done...whatever the job may be!

This morning while lounging freely on my couch at 8am and not at work chained to my cubicle, I sent her an email to find out the doctor's name so I could verify that he is in my preferred provider network. Within just a few minutes she called and gave me his name. Dr Salisbury. Oh boy, I can't help but refer to him as Dr Steak!

Just waiting on the referral letter and My Girl Sarah to coordinate with Dr Steak's nurse on an appropriate appointment date. She said it would be within 2 or 3 weeks. After which, I will get off the pill, have a natural cycle and then restart my plan for IVF #2. So, that's probably going to put me cycling during the holidays. Was hoping to get started much sooner than that, but being that now I have an incredible amount of hope that THIS CYCLE WILL WORK, I'm okay with waiting. It's been FOUR YESRS what's another few months?

Back to the couch and my Bon-Bon eating...

Toddles!

Elaine minus polyps

2011-08-15T18:27:00.000-07:00

Funny, on July 7, there was just one bugger of a polyp. Just five weeks later there were three. PDuds removed them all and even showed me pictures, which I tried to confiscate for my scrapbook...ya know. He says they will send them out later this week after they are scanned into my file. Best believe I will be hitting up My Gril Sarah by Friday if they haven't arrived in the mail. Yes I am "that" girl. And you KNOW I will be posting them when I get em!

All in all, it wasn't a bad deal. I ain't gonna lie, I did get majorly crabby around 1pm when my stomach went from "pretty damn hungry" to "I will stab you hungry". Mike was a champ though.

Once in the gown-o-shame, with my girls hanging uncomfortably free, I got the first of many warm blankets and chats with the overly nice (almost annoyingly so) nurse named Sara. Getting the IV wasn't bad, yet they still made a bit of a mess and I could feel blood dripping down my hand. I hate that. The anesthesiologist came in to do her speal where she told me that they'd be inserting a stint of some sort in my throat to prevent it from collapsing, which is possible when under anesthesia. That freaked me out a bit because I was under the impression that I would be under "light" anesthesia. I walked into the OR and they got me situated. It didn't take but a minute for the initial drug to start...I was lucid enough to ask what it was. Turns out it was Versed, a drug to sedate whose common side effect is Amnesia! Good because I don't remember what happened next. I just remember opening my eyes in the recovery cubbie and asking for Mike and pretty much demanding my animal crackers and juice.

After getting seconds on the crackers and juice I was ready to get dressed, mainly I just wanted my bra back on. I made it to the can and peed without incident and before I knew it we were walking to the parking garage. On the way to pick Greek up, I was surfing the wifi and watching him on the doggie webcam. He was a convulsing mess when we dropped him off, but on the webcam he looked more chill. He was pretty much staying away from the other pups, my little loner! I waited in the car for Mike to bring him out. He was so happy to see me! It was heartwarming. He pretty much passed out immediately while we hit up a few fast food joints.

On the road now and and will probably be home around 9ish. So glad I have tomorrow off.

I SURVIVED! More later time to get some zzzzz....

Waiver....please?

2011-08-15T11:48:00.000-07:00

So we are almost in the Seattle area. I drove about 90% of the way and had to give up the wheel because this no-eating-before-anesthesia bullshit rule has run my blood sugar levels into the ground...and I was starting to get a bit flighty, but I'm not sure if that is from the lack of food or my nerves.

We took Greek along with us. He woke me up early this morning around 3:30ambecause he didn't get his after-dinner walk yesterday and had the urge to take a massive load off in the middle of the night. Just as well because I wasn't really sleeping anyway. On his after-breakfast walk this morning, Mike said he had the runs. He is usually really a good car rider, but maybe it's his innards or he just "knows" something is going on, because he hasn't settled down at all and it's been a four hour car ride.

Once we get into town, we are stopping at an off leash dog area and hopefully wear him out before we rock his world by dropping him off at the Barking Lounge. He is going to be a shaking mess, I just know it!

Hmmm, let's see, what else? Well that's about it. 23 miles to Seattle and another 2.5 hours til the zapping commences.

Here goes nothin.

Last Meal

2011-08-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

Lots of things going on this weekend. Mike is off on another bike adventure and I am busy prepping for next weekend's Walla Walla Grapehound Wine Tour. It's going to be about 8 people from the west side coming over to do an info booth about greyhound rescue followed by wine tasting...of course! It's been a lot of preparation but I am looking forward to it. It's a nice spittle distraction from what is on the agenda for tomorrow....

POLYP ZAPPING!

My appointment isn't until 2pm. Since we spoil our dog, we aren't flying this time, we are driving the 260 mikes there with him. After all, he loves to "go for a riiiiide"! Even if that means we have to leave at 6:30am. Once we get into town we are dropping him off at the Barking Lounge in downtown Seattle. We took him there when I had my first egg retrieval. He was a shaking nervous mess, but that isn't saying much because he gets like that every time he is introduced to something new. They took good care of him and I am so glad we found a place that will work for him. Plus now we don't have to do any type of registration before we drop him off.

My biggest concern, aside from being half way to dead under anesthesia, is I am concerned about the recovery time. PDuds says it is an easy procedure but he hasn't really said much about the recovery...and I have been too busy and distracted to ask. I am taking Tuesday off and I hope that will suffice. Being that they haven't pushed any scripts, like doxy or vicodin, I am assuming this is really going to be painless. I keep envisioning having a mole removed, except the mole is inside a very delicate area.

The other big concern is about the restriction of eating before the procedure. I know it's lame, but I am a breakfast eater through and through. Oh he'll, I am just an eater, especially when I am on a road trip. Driving for five hours without the ability to drink a juice and snack on some trail mix, well that's just not fun! Couple that with nerves, I can see it will be a most unpleasant trip. But I am doing the drive out there and Mike will make the drive back since I can't after being under.

Well, it's Sunday now and I need to get moving! I will be sure to post a post-anesthesia blog tomorrow, that should be interesting.

Elaine

Long Road Home

2011-08-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

I'm fixin to start my first 2 hour leg of the drive here in a few. The wedding was fantastic and although I haven't downloaded my pictures yet, I'm guessing I took about 500 pictures.

Feeling congested and groggy, okay and slightly hungover...

I am certain that a big slice of hot juicy pizza and a diet coke will fix me. But alas no coke for me and we're probably not gonna find a take out pizza joint on the road...so I guess I'm gonna have to settle for fries and good old Utah fry sauce! Hizzah!

Jerome Idaho

2011-08-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

You da hoe? No, Idaho!

Driving in the dark kind of blows. About 45 miles outside of Jerome, we saw some strange red clouds in the distance, especially strange since it was damn near pitch black out. Then we started to see lightening in the distance. Turns out there was a massive wildfire caused by lightening. It was impressive and scary because at one point I thought we were driving right into it!

Got as far as we could this evening. The Best Western Inn and Suites here in jerome is pretty nice. We actually got a suite. But I'm wondering why this hotel has all suites, we are in the middle of nowhere! Or at least that is how it looks! Turns out we are at the foothills of the Sawtooth Mountains and just a quick ride from Sun Valley, which is a big ski area. Either way we have a nice room, free wifi and free eggs-to-order in the morning.

Wyoming and Utah tomorrow! Night night.

Elaine

Live from my iPad

2011-08-02T18:16:00.000-07:00

Wowzer I feel, like, totally upgraded! Still working out the kinks on the keyboard as it is so much smaller than a normal one, but so far the autofill feature is treating me good! Now, how do I upload a picture?

rewind & fast forward

2011-07-31T15:38:00.000-07:00

Rewind to:
Friday, July 29th. I cut loose from work early claiming a headache when in fact I just needed to get on the road to Tacoma/Fife. I had a conference for the VFW at the Emerald Queen Casino on Saturday, but I wanted to get into town on Friday to do a commissary run. I was on the road just after 12 noon...and I was being pulled over by WWPD after having only been on the highway 1/4 mile! Seems in that 1/4 mile I managed to get my rig up to 71mph in a 60mph zone. Durn motorcycle cop caught me and I crossed my fingers for another warning. Not so much. But since I was honest, he "cut me a break" and only wrote the ticket for 5mph over. There goes my perfect driving record and 93 smackaroos.

Rewind to:
Saturday, July 30th. I got to the EQC for VFW training and quickly thanked my lucky stars that the hotel was booked and I did NOT stay there the night before! That entire place is a smoking zone and it stinks!!! Even the non-smoking rooms stunk!! When the VFW State Commander started his opening remarks I knew it was going to be a bumfuzzle. Turns out this conference, which was formally called "School of Instruction", was not at all instructing! With the exception of one presenter, each speaker approached their presentation as an after thought! We finished the entire program of "instruction" before the lunch break--and we were scheduled to go until 4pm!! Not only was I highly irritated that the day was not productive, I couldn't overlook the cost that our post incurred to attend this mandatory event. We sent 4 officers--Commander, Sr. Vice, Jr. Vice and the Quartermaster. So, aside from our precious time, it cost us four hotel rooms, plus gas for 3 cars. I'm not certain on the total cost but I reckon that it'll be close to $500. Mark my words, the State Commander will be getting a letter from me about this.

Fast Forward to August: The first weekend of August we head to Utah for Mike's sister's wedding. It's in the mountains and I'm looking forward to a change of scenery and being with family. The second weekend our friend Krista is getting married so we are spending the evening in Yakima--and camping out on the river. The third weekend is the Walla Walla Grapehound Tour--the greyhound group from the west side is coming over to show available dogs, raise awareness and do some wine tasting. The last weekend I have stuff going on at the VFW.

But for now, this:

Pictures Jubilee

2011-07-29T07:00:00.000-07:00

I realize that there hasn't been many interesting teacup posts lately. I'm in a slump, what can I say.

Well, life has been trucking along, even though my polyp has been hangin on. That rat bastard. Here are some pictures of life as seen by my hopefully-soon-to-be-upgraded-phone.

Yes, my friends, that is a Dutch Brothers iced DECAF coffee. Why I thought that they didn't make decaf, well, I will never know! Well, it was a mighty fine tasting coffee. I had to ask the barista like three times "that is decaff right?" and I think he was annoyed. Well, I was thrilled to enjoy a once-loved drink. It was nice to have, but after enjoying it, I realized that I didn't totally miss that flavor all that much after all. Funny.

I am continually enamoured with Greek's ears. In our house, we have a whole "Greek Ear Rating System". This is an example of the "double ear alarm".

This is Ernie with all his chunks hanging out. It's funny how he has to prop himself up to manuver the fats to be cleaned. He's the happiest fat man I know. And catching him actually cleaning himself, well that's just a miracle! He's my fat dirty cat, and I love him for that.

This dog loves to roll in the grass. Can't say I blame him.

This is Greek in the car on a road trip of some sort. Not exactly sure from where to where, but it's a good picture of the "fly away" ears.

My friend, Liz, was in town last weekend. She lives in a suburb of Oregon and made the 4.5 hour trip to see me. It was nice to be in the company of an old friend and Hoosier! She even got to experience a ride in the bus!

brew ha ha

2011-07-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

The way I figure, if I'm gonna be sitting on hold for another month--I better enjoy a few drinks with the wait. When I was over on the west side earlier this month, we stopped at 99 Bottles in Federal Way and picked up some great beers. Turns out there's a whole movement of craft brewers going from bottles to cans. I tried a Hawaii pale ale and IPA in a can and it was frecking good! There's something nice about slugging a beer in a can. I think the aluminum gets the beer colder and that's important because I have a tendency to nurse my beers...so the longer it stays cold, the better!

This here bere is from 21st Amendment Brewers in Minnesota. It's a wheat beer infused with watermelon. It's tasteeeeeeeeeeeeee. Hiccup. Buuuuurp. Jealous?

bummer dude

2011-07-26T17:58:00.000-07:00

Well it's official. Between PDuds and My Girl Sarah, they could not find an open date between now and 15 August. That is a total fucking buzz kill. I suppose that it was about time my "logistical luck" ran out. Fucksticks.

In other news, I'm cleared for take-off on Friday, 2 September for the DMB Caravan! Normally we aren't allowed to take time off in September, but I am! I honestly don't think the Bossman realized that's what he agreed to, or perhaps he didn't mind since it's the Friday before Labor Day weekend. Not that it mattered because if it was disapproved I would've just called in sick. Na-na-boo-boo-stick-your-head-in-doo-doo!

Also got the all-clear for 6-7 October leave which is good because I already booked the tickets! I live on the edge, folks! Albuquerque Hot Air Balloon Fiesta we's coming.

Leftover perogies for lunch. Steak and veggie stir fry for dinner. At least the eattin' was good today.

hold pattern

2011-07-25T14:37:00.001-07:00

Once again, there just hasn't been much news to report on the IVF-front. For some reason, I'm not getting any response from My Girl Sarah. My guess is PDuds has been too busy knocking up other broads to worry about zapping my polyp any earlier than 15 August. It's fucking frustrating. I can't sit on hold anymore. Doesn't anyone get it? Last month marked four years. Four years.

I'm a tart

2011-07-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

There are very very very few upsides to be unpregnant. This is one of the few.

I'm tarting it out in Walla Walla. The town so nice they named it twice, and then awarded it the 2011 Friendliest Small Town in America. Check it out here.

day 101

2011-07-20T14:37:00.001-07:00

Today is decaffeinated day 101. I can't believe I made it past day 50, let alone 100! I'd like to celebrate this milestone with a big fat cold can of diet coke. If there were any day that I were to bust this goal, it would be today. But I'm not.

Lately I feel like I'm burning the candle at both ends. Between 4th quarter craziness at work and the rapidly increasing time requirements at the Post, I'm feeling like I don't have much time for myself. Yesterday alone, not counting the time spent asleep in bed, I was home for a sum total of 3 hours. That includes the time from the moment the alarm goes off, my brief lunch visit, my brief dinner visit and the 45 minutes before bed. Let's face it, I'm just not built to work more than 10 hours a day and it looks like 15+ hour days are becoming the norm. That's not good.

Plus there has been no movement on my surgery date. PDuds was certain that we'd be able to move my date up and even suggested that if SRM was fully booked that he'd get OR time a another nearby hospital. Maybe he was so motivated to get me in real quick because I was balling my eyes out, but I've sent two emails asking about an alternated date to My Girl Sarah since that polyp-discovering appointment. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch. I still have my original appointment for August 15. This means that I will be on all the hulk drugs during the throws of the final 4th quarter push. And it will probably also mean that I will be scheduled to have the retrieval smack dab at the end of September. It just sucks to be stuck in a holding pattern especially when there have been no less than 5 pregnancy announcements on my facebook news feed. I've hidden so many friends' status updates that I might as well not even log on anymore. It's depressing.

greenery this and that

2011-07-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

Did some blueberry picking at Lampson again this year. Thought I had missed the first picking of the Dukes variety, but as it turns out the first picking happened later than expected. Hard to capture in any picture, but the blueberry patch looked strong this year despite the strange weather. The Dukes are usually huge berries, but this year they were a lot smaller and more tart (which I prefer anyway) and more prolific.

Can you see all those little berries??

I don't believe all the berries on each cluster all ripen at the same time, but I did overhear some seasoned pickers mentioning how the ripening stages per cluster was very spreadout. Normally in the PNW, they pick from the same rows every three days, so you can get some ripe ones per cluster on each pick. But this year, as you can see from the picture above, there will be several days, if not a full week, from pick-to-pick on this Duke bush.

I got there early (as usual) even tho TomTom took me the backwood route. I'm not lying, my TomTom (also known as DickDick) likes to get me there the "fastest most direct way" even if it involves rural routes and one-lane gravel roads. It was touch and go for a minute because I was sure I was fixin' to be lost, but I managed to get right there! It was an evening pick from 5 to 8pm, and I was expecting a crowd. But no such thing, and was happily surprised that they let me start early! Worked out great because the clouds rolled in and we got a bit of drizzle.

I netted a total of 10lbs for $14.00! Nothing like working the dirt.

I managed to process all 10lbs the same night and passed out tupperwares full to our animal sitters and the family that is letting us store our utility trailer--plus a whole casserole dish's worth for my office.

My back yard is starting to fill out. The black stem hydrangea on the lower left is doing surprisingly well for being in full sun when it likes part shade.

The tradeoff is the blooms spend most of the day looking wimpy and sad. That's my kind of hydrangea.

Only one of the two hops rhizomes that I transplanted reappeared this year. We used my Dad's waxy yarn stuff to string to the top of the eaves. Hoping to get some nice hops out of this one and perhaps try my hand at a batch of home brew. Not that this hop plant will be enough for a whole batch but it would be nice to say I brewed it and grew half of the brew!

My "Lady in Red" lacecap hydrangea is going bananas. I am surprised because when I bought it (from Walmart of all places) it looked pretty sickly. Next time I buy another hydrangea, it will be this varietal because it blooms off of old wood.

About the only edible that we have been growing that I'm eagerly looking forward to are these bunching green onions. I'm told they do better in the ground, but they seem to be doing just fine in this little plastic pot. The thyme (from a Home Depot starter) and basel (from seed) are doing good but I'm never quick enough to catch the basel leaves when they are ready for eating.

My big beautiful magnolia is doing so great!! Only have one frost damaged branch--of the back right in this photo--that didn't fare well. I might nip it off next spring depending on if it revives. Can they revive?? Hell, this whole tree has revived, so I'm inclined to believe this one little branch will if given the chance.

My royal burgundy flowering (fruitless) cherry is not doing so well. I think the very early hard frost in October zapped it. It started to show life in April with some early leaves at the top, but those quickly wilted. There is no life on this tree whatsoever. I've even nipped off a little bit of a branch to see if it was green inside. It was not. Just dark, dry and brittle. Sad.

That's all from Walla Walla at the moment.

sweeet onion

2011-07-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

The Sweet Onion Festival starts tomorrow. Eeek! I'm excited. Other than that, nothing much going on here, but I wanted to pop on and say hello. I just haven't had the time or energy to blog.

If all goes well this weekend, I'll post some pictures, get some scrapbooking done, do a little portrait shooting to prepare for Jenni's wedding and take some long walks with the Greek dog.

See ya later.